Merlin Text Messages
by K. A. Carlyle
Summary: The lighter side to the story of Arthur and Merlin. What will happen when Merlin's love of the future gets out of control? T for language. Pure Crack!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: NOTE TO FANS: **

**Well, oops. It looks like I'm in trouble for posting a fic entirely centered around a script format. However, I'm working on a compromise, slowly...and re-writing all the chapters with more character involvement between the dialogue (which will be in bold + italics). Hope you guys can still enjoy it that way. **

**This is a work-in-progress, but I'm posting what I have so far to ensure that this is no longer against the rules. I've got five hours of homework ahead of me tonight, so this will become an ongoing project. :P**

**Enjoy. **

* * *

Merlin threw down the polishing brush in his hand in frustration, watching it idly as it bounced across the floor. Four hours of this was driving him to the edge of insanity. With a quick motion, he reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out his cell phone, typing hastily: **_Arthur_**.

**_Merlin._** The prince's response came almost immediately.

**_I have a question._**

**_I don't have an answer. Go back to cleaning my shoes._**

Merlin ignored him, as he was accustomed to doing, and continued: **_Since we have these things now, does that mean we can solve all of our problems wirelessly? Start texting each other instead of actually talking? Start watching videos and playing apps rather than spending our free time with friends or training or reading?_**

**_Don't be ridiculous, Merlin, _**Arthur responded.**_ There's no society that would be that utterly stupid. That's complete and total rubbish._**

**_Arthr, I hav majk nd I cn c da futr._ **A smirk pulled the corners of Merlin's mouth upwards as he hit the send button, entirely expecting Arthur's response as it came not a moment later:

**_What? Merlin, speak in English. What even is that?_**

**_Oh, nothing. Just a little language I invented of my own. I call it text talk._**

**_That's rubbish. It'll never catch on._**

* * *

Morgana Pendragon rolled over in her bed as her phone began to buzz on the nightstand, breaking the early morning silence. Bleary-eyed and confused, she quickly picked it up to peer at the message from Merlin that was flashing across the screen.

**_Morgana. I need your help. Arthur is onion with me and he turfed on the auto crowfoot on my photo._**

Confused, Morgana typed hastily, **_Excuse me? Merlin, are you all right?_**

**_Help me, Morpheme, it's awful. I can't torn it off._**

She suddenly understood. **_Oh. The autocorrect feature? I'm sorry, Merlin. I can't help you with that. You might try asking around with some of the knights; one of them probably told Arthur about it. I'd doubt he's smart enough to figure it out on his own._**

The enraged text she received only a second later from Arthur confirmed that this was indeed a group conversation.

**_MORGANA_**!

Across the castle, Merlin swallowed hard.**_ I think this is my glance to fun_**

**_*dance *pun_**

**_**CHANCE **RUN_**

Still_, _no one responded_. _He tried again, frustrated:

**_Hey, Morbid?_**

**_**Morse_**

**_**MORGANA_**

**_DOUNUT IT, ARTHUR_**

* * *

**_b4 u ask, merlin, I didn't do it_**

Noticing a new text from Gwaine in the 'alerts' tab on his phone, Merlin hashed out a quick response, grinning smugly as he hit send.

**_ha! My txt speak has caught on! He said I was mad! MAD I TELL YOU_**

Gwaine responded almost immediately: **_sure._**

Somewhat concerned, Merlin backtracked and read over his friend's last message.**_ Didn't do what exactly?_**

**_... Never mind. how's autocorrect going?_**

**_oh, I've fixed it. I dropped the phone a few times. Works like a dream now._**

Gwaine's reply was unenthusiastic. **_heh. Great._**

Frowning, Merlin typed out, **_What? Why the sarcastic tone there, Gwaine?_**

**I was going to send arthur flowers for making my day if it was still working.**

**_I'm sure it'll happen again. As a matter of fact, something tells me that the next person to get it will be Morgana.._****_._**

**_Really? y?_**

Merlin thought back to the morning's events, then replied simply, **_c_****_all it a hunch._**

**_as long as we're on the subject...what's her number?_**

**_I_****_ t_**hink it would be in my best interests if I _****__didn't _**_tell you._**

* * *

**_So, Merlin._ **Arthur set his phone down on the arm of the chair he was sitting in, trying not to look like he was texting under the table. Uther cast a quick glance his way, then turned back to finish his conversation with his ward.

As the phone vibrated in response, shaking the whole chair, Arthur gave such a violent jolt of surprise that both Uther and Morgana paused mid-sentence to look at him. Arthur held out his hands apologetically.

"Sorry. Sorry," he muttered. "My...ah...foot fell asleep."

Uther and Morgana slowly turned back to their conversation, and Arthur shielded the glowing screen of his phone under the table to read the message.

**_So, Arthur...(?) _**

**_Why haven't you been answering my messages? _the prince fired back furiously. **

Merlin's response was instantaneous. **_Honestly...I've been busy._**

Arthur made a muffled choking noise. **_Busy?! Busy doing what?!_**

**_Don't hate me for this...but...teaching your father how to text._**

**_MERLIN!_**

**_It's okay! He hasn't learned very much yet!_**

_**:)**_

Arthur nearly toppled out of his chair. Uther's message lit up the screen on his phone and sent the device vibrating again. Arthur's father refused to meet his eyes across the table, and Morgana remained completely oblivious as she continued to recount her tale of the not-at-all-suspicious old woman she'd met in the village that day with Gwen.

**_Father? Are you okay? _**Arthur texted discreetly.

**_:D_**

**_merlin, what's wrong with him?_**

The warlock watched the conversation unfold from across the castle, hiding in his room for the umpteenth time that day so Gaius couldn't take away his obsessive phone privileges. **_He seems to hav a particular partiality towards emoticons._**

**_You broke him, you useless clotpole._**

**_o, so auto correct is okay with that, but not Morgana?!_**

**_Don't you mean Morbid?_**

**D:**

Uther chose that moment to rejoin the conversation.

**;)**

**_Father__? _Arthur demanded worriedly.**

**;)**

Grinning broadly, Merlin countered: **:)**

**;)**

**_That's as scary as hell. _**Arthur banged his forehead against the table in front of him, completely ignoring Morgana's surprised gasp as he did. Uther chose that opportune moment to excuse himself from the room, leaving Arthur with a woman that was totally not related to him in any way - which might, heaven forbid, constitute a relevant plot point - and a massive migraine.**_  
_**

* * *

**_Arthur, I swear it wasn't my fault._**

Despite it being six in the morning, Arthur was already awake enough to begin anticipating the worst, as his phone buzzed with a text from Merlin. **_Oh god._**

**_Uther just somehow got the wrong potion from Gaius' stores, and now he's...well...I can't really try to explain without..._**

Arthur frowned.**_Without what?_**

**_...risking killing myself with laughter_**

Growing annoyed, the prince quipped, **_try, or else you'll be risking getting killed by being impaled upon my sword. Now what's happened?_**

Across the castle, Merlin's fingers ticked nervously over the keys as he thought of the best way to put this. **_well, for one thing, he's green._**

Arthur, as one could imagine, was too stunned to bother with correct grammar. **_id like to think you're joking_**

Merlin groped for words, but came up with nothing:** _..._**

**_...but you're serious, aren't you_**

**_'fraid so._**

**_damn it, merlin, can't you do anything right!_**

**_hold that thought..._**

* * *

Merlin found himself striding furiously through the castle as he sent text after text to the one person he knew to have ever been drunk enough to do this. **_Gwaine, you sick, twisted bastard._**

**_Hello 2 u 2, merlin_**

**_you switched that potion. _In Camelot, formalities were highly overrated.**

**_id like to say I have no idea what you're talking about, but that would be a lie 2 big for even me._**

Merlin sighed, fingers typing furiously to generate a reply: **_just see if you can find an antidote. Or run_**_**.**_

Gwaine tipped back lazily in his chair at the tavern in town.** _im in no danger from arthur, merlin. Im a knight. Surely, he's not that mad._**

Merlin let out an amused snort. **_he's using improper grammar._**

**_where do I hide._**

**_just go see if there's an antidote. Ask gaius if you need to,_ **Merlin responded with a sharp laugh.

**_I'm on it. Don't tell him it was me until I can fix it. Or, better yet, don't tell him it was me at all._** Gwaine bolted to his feet, ignoring the angry yell of the serving boy behind him, who was demanding payment for the ridiculous amount of alcohol Gwaine had bought throughout the course of the day. "Just...uh...charge it to one _Arthur Pendragon!_" Gwaine hollered over his shoulder, scrambling out the door before anyone else had the chance to try and stop him.

Merlin tapped his phone against the heel of his palm and raised one eyebrow at the message.** _D__epends on how fast you are. _**

Gwaine replied using one hand, still sprinting towards the castle. **_merlin, you're a great friend._**

**_tick-tock._**

**_i_****_m gone!_**

* * *

**_MERLIN!_**

**_I'm back, I'm back! Where are you?_**

Arthur paced furiously up and down the hallway in front of Uther's chambers, ignoring the strange looks he received from the guards standing outside. **_with my father. Did you find your antidote?_**

**_I think so..._**

**_fine, then. I have training to get to. I'll leave this task to you._**

**_will do, chief._**

* * *

**In all honesty, Merlin had no good way to say what he was trying to say. So he simply started with the ever-unseccessful approach of being vague as humanly possible. **

**_arthur, I swear it wasn't my fault._**

Walking inside from the training grounds, Arthur wiped his forehead with the back of his sleeve and typed, **_merlin, _**I**_ swear, if you've managed anything conceivably worse than last time, I will personally hire a sorcerer to burn you alive_**

**The colour instantly drained from Merlin's face. _you're not using correct grammar. This is...very not good._**

**Arthur almost resented even asking. _merlin..._**

**_he's pink._**

**_Excuse me?_**

Merlin let out a long breath, wondering how many he would have left if he managed to anger Arthur any more. **_hes_**_ **pink,** _he repeated bluntly. Then, as an afterthought, he added,**_ but im going to fix it._**

**_so help me, merlin, the next time I see you, I'm ripping off those overly-large ears of yours and using them to make an antidote. FIX IT, DAMN IT._**

**_yes sire, _**Merlin texted back :**  
**

**_are you sure you don't want to see this first..._**

**_MERLIN._**

* * *

Gwen was folding freshly-dried sheets when Merlin's text caused her phone to vibrate across the table and yelp out a chirpy little ringtone. She jumped roughly three feet into the air, clutching at her heart, and bit down on her tongue to keep from screaming loudly enough to wake up half of the kingdom. Hitting the button to open the message, she read aloud, "**_you won't believe this..._**"

Gwen chewed her lower lip in thought, then typed out, **_try me._**

**_uther is pink._**

**_oh...my..._**

**_and I may or may not have the whole thing on video._**

Uther, once again, picked that exact moment to jump into the conversation, as if someone were guiding his actions to a strangely ironic level.

**D:**

Merlin frowned at the message distastefully, before responding,**_ I swear, it's like a sense. "merlin's up to something. I must interfere."_ **

**D:**

**_That's creepier than any monster I've had to face._**

Gwen butted in quickly before the smiley-face war could spin out of hand. It certainly had nothing to do with her secret desire to gloat about the king's new look. **_send me those videos._**

**_no, wait. I'll send you the full collection later, after the knights are done turning him different colors. The pink was Gwaine's idea, but percival is really set on seeing him lilac..._**

Gwen sighed, then typed,** _very well. but I expect those videos, merlin._**

* * *

**Morgana**: Gwen?

**Gwen**: yes, my lady

**Morgana**: Can you kelt me whit you know about auto bereft...?

**Gwen:** my...my lady?

**Morgana: ** I thine Arthritis did thirtyfold to my photo.

**Gwen: **morgana? are you quite all right?

**Morgana: ** Whelp! Hoe do I turban it offerings?

**Gwen: **I'm going to get merlin.

* * *

**Gwen: **you won't believe it...

**Merlin: **try me

**Gwen: **I don't really know how 2 explain.

**Merlin: **explain what?

**Gwen: **hoe do I turban it offerings. Morgana.

**Merlin: **on it.

* * *

**Gwaine: **sooooo...Morgana...

**Morgana: **Exculpate me?

**Gwaine: **...

**Morgana: ***exculpate

**Morgana: ***EXCUSE

**Gwaine: **o.O

**Morgana: **Now is nothosaur a goodnight time to be tapping.

**Gwaine: **sry...what?

**Morgana: **Arthropod turtled on my auto corrida.

**Gwaine: **give me a minute

**Morgana: **Whales? Why?

**Gwaine: **im laughing 2 hard 2 breathe

**Morgana: **I'm dumb talking to you mattress

**Morgana: ***racist

**Morgana: ***ABOUT THIS

**Morgana: **Gwaine...?

**Gwaine: **can't...laughing...!

**Morgana: **I herpes you

**Gwaine: **TELL ME THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN

**Morgana: **FUDGE!

* * *

**Gaius: **I am enjoying this device very much, Merlin.

**Merlin: **fabulous. Do you know where you keep the antidote to that potion Gwaine took earlier?

**Gaius: **Antidote? That potion doesn't have an _antidote_, Merlin! What fool would drink that without one?

**Merlin: **certainly not Uther. Bc that would be crazy

**Gaius: **Merlin. I want you to listen to me very carefully.

**Merlin: **yes, Gaius...?

**Gaius: **Drop everything you own and run like hell.

**Merlin: **excuse me?!

**Gaius: **Here's a better idea. Hide from the prince before he murders you alive!

**Merlin: **I hear footsteps outside the door.

**Merlin: **Gaius.

**Merlin: **I hear footsteps outside the door.

**Gaius: **Fly, you fool!

**Merlin: **GAIIIIUUUSSS!

**Arthur: **:)

* * *

End of chapter one! Hope you enjoyed. I'm kinda stressed with school right now, so the humor's not really coming as easily as it would otherwise. I hope I made you laugh at least once though! If I did, please comment! So far, Morgana's auto correct is acting up, Gwaine and the other knights are having fun turning Uther different colors, and Merlin needs to distract Arthur, quick! More soon; I hope to bring in more characters. If there's someone you didn't see in this chapter that you wanted to, let me know and I'll see if I can add them. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Eight reviews in two days? **

**_Eight_****? **

**You guys just made my week. Thank you so much. I've been told I'm funny when I didn't even mean to be. But this one...I regret to say I made even myself laugh reading over it. Short update, but I had the idea and I ran with it. **

**I'm trying to add more characters. Merlin is still the main focus, but you see more Uther and even some mention of Leon in this update. Also: the return of Color Uther and the Auto-Correct Plague. **

**Now have some crack and enjoy.**

* * *

**Merlin: **Arthur's escaped.

**Gwaine: **tell me you didn't just say what I think you just said

**Gwaine: **Merlin...

**Merlin: **He had a little too much to drink, and he bolted.

**Gwaine: **He's DRUNK

**Gwaine: **?!

**Merlin: **He was upset about his father being cyan.

**Merlin: **and given my new obsession with cameras, I have plenty of video evidence

**Gwaine: **you LOST the second most important person in all of Camelot? When he was DRUNK

**Merlin: **...he's pretty sneaky, for a couple hundred pounds of drunk blonde and stupid.

**Gwaine: **we've gotta find him. come on...

* * *

**Merlin: **Arthur? You there? Can you answer?

**Arthur: **booaldazboooam

**Gwaine: **...found him.

**Merlin: **Get him, then!

**Gwaine: **I can't "get him" through a phone, you idiot.

**Arthur: **hanananananannaaannaanananah anananaa

**Merlin: **Arthur? Are you all right? Answer me.

**Arthur: **I dunnoooo. But I found mushrooms in the forest, Merlin! MUSHROOMS! AND I EATED THEM!

**Merlin: **What's with the caps?

**Arthur: **I DROPPED MY PHONE ON A ROCK AND IT'S LIKE THIS NOW. IT'S LIKE CAPS LOCK IS MY PHONE'S NEW BEST FRIEND. I WISH I HAD FRIENDS.

**Merlin: **oh dear god

**Arthur: **PLEASE COME FIND ME NOW, MERLIN. MY FUNGERS ARE SWRLLING IP. I DON TGINK TGAT MUSHEOOM WAS GOOFSSADF

**Gwaine: **wait! I found him!

**Merlin: **great. bring him back

**Gwaine: **Wait! Ow! Sonuva-

**Merlin: **...

**Gwaine: **He bit me!

**Merlin: **Well, what do you expect? You probably scared him and he's drunk off his ass.

**Gwaine: **IM BLEEDING MERLIN. I SEE BLOOD.

**Merlin: **focus. We need to find arthur before he starts...burning peasants. Or something.

**Merlin: **Gwaine?

**Gwaine: **merlin...have you ever taken the time to notice...just how _pretty_ your blood looks on the outside?

**Merlin: **what have you done to yourself...? Gwaine?

**Gwaine: **MERLIN. THERE ARE THESE MUSHROOMS HERE, AND THEY TASTE AMAZING.

**Merlin: **i'm thinking this is going to be a really long night.

* * *

**Morgana: **so then, he woke up before I had the chance to try and kill him. I was so close!

**Morgana: **Morgause?

**Arthur: **Decidedly not...?

**Morgana: **Oh! Arthur! Wrong number. Terribly sorry about that...

**Arthur: **No problem, Morgana.

**Arthur: **...wait a second. Who?!

* * *

**Uther: **Arthur.

**Arthur: **Father...?

**Uther: **I have learned this 'texting' skill well. If I am to be ruler of these lands, I should be up to date with the most modern forms of communication.

**Arthur: **Perfectly right, father. Tell me, though: have you heard of this function called auto correct?

**Uther: **I'm sorry? What are you talking about, Arthur?

**Arthur: **Forgive me, father. My mistake. I shouldn't have brought it up.

**Uther: **Very well. But I hope to hear more about this 'auto correct" soon.

**Arthur: **Oh, don't worry, father. You will. Very soon.

**Arthur: **:)

* * *

**Uther: **I haggle yoke.

**Merlin: **LOL

**Arthur: **I told you, Merlin: it'll never catch on!

**Merlin: **Well, you brought this on yourself, when you turned on his auto correct. Don't blame me.

**Merlin: **by the way, though, I am sending screenshots of this entire conversation to everyone, so...mind what you say.

**Arthur: **Fair enough. Okay, father! How are you feeling?

**Uther: **You Useldange knickers! Hoe did you mannequin to tuatara on this strawberry mutton chops...?!

**Merlin: **I can't...I just...can't even...

**Arthur: **You know, Merlin, this is almost better than slapping you upside the head every day!

**Merlin: **Really?! So you'll stop?!

**Arthur: **Of course not. No.

**Merlin: **D':

**Uther: **You knew you fig trash didn't emu? Squid horns you all!

**Merlin: **Is it okay that I have absolutely no idea what he's trying to say?

**Uther: **I heart yoko bitch

**Merlin: **even remotely

**Arthur: **One can only assume that it's better that way, Merlin.

**Uther: **I dent apollo hoe to turnip this office

**Arthur: **I understand completely, father.

* * *

**Merlin: **Leon, have you heard about this yet?

**Leon: **Honestly, Merlin, I'm still trying to figure out how the letters get from the keys to the screen to your phone.

**Merlin: **later. It's important. You have to see this. Tell the other knights, too.

**Leon: **I...see what, Merlin? Wait...how do I look at pictures?

**Merlin: **click on the download button.

**Leon: **I see. Oh, my god...did Uther really say that...?

**Merlin: **Unfortunately, yes. And, also: it's O.M.G.

**Leon: **What?

**Merlin: **it's my code. LOL is laughing out loud, and OMG is oh my god. I'm trying to come up with more.

**Leon: **that's absolute rubbish, Merlin. It'll never catch on.

* * *

**Merlin: **gwen. youve got to see this.

**Gwen: **is this about that thing with arthurs father turning lilac?

**Merlin: **No-i had nothing to do with that, by the way-it's just that uther's learned to text.

**Gwen: **lol!

**Merlin: **IKR

**Gwen: **I have no idea what that means, but youve just made my day 100% better.

**Uther: **Merlot, I will serialize heart yoyo kickshaw offer my lanyard.

**Arthur: **How did I even live before this...?

**Merlin: **You had me to beat up.

**Merlin: **Somehow, you managed

**Uther: **Plate chop muffin you all.

**Gwen: **my life is complete.

**Merlin: **mine 2

**Arthur: **Excuse me while I go die.

* * *

**Like it? I really hope so. Sorry it was short. Hopefully more to come soon. Until then; the little review box below is hungry! Please feed it! ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**You guys are amazing. **

**You know that...right?**

**Just so you know, I read all of your reviews, even if I don't have the time to reply to them all. I appreciate them so much! And I will take your suggestions to heart. I'll try and incorporate more of Uther turning colors and Evil Morgana/Morgause. ;)**

**Until then, enjoy your crack. **

**Also...take a moral lesson away from this, if nothing else; never eat mushrooms when you're roaming around drunk in the forest.**

**That's all I've got.**

* * *

**Merlin: **It's done.

**Percival: **fabulous.

* * *

**Arthur: **MERLIN

**Merlin: **Good morning, sire...

**Arthur: **I can assume that by the fourth time this happens, it's no longer a mistake.

**Merlin: **What color?

**Arthur: **Excuse me?

**Merlin: **What color is Uther now? Percival wouldn't tell me.

**Arthur: **Whatever are you talking about? That's not...what I meant...at all...

**Merlin: **oh nothing what are you talking about

**Merlin: **crap.

**Merlin: **Arthur

**Arthur: **Dammit, Merlin! What color is my father?!

**Merlin: **well honestly sire I was asking you...

**Merlin: **clotpole

* * *

**Merlin: **ah...gaius...I...uh.

**Gaius: **don't worry, Merlin. I've already started on an antidote to Percival's color-changing potion.

**Merlin: **it's like you can read my mind or something

**Merlin: **wait can you

**Merlin: **gaius

**Merlin: **you're killing me.

**Merlin: **some help you are.

**Merlin: **...

**Merlin: ...**I didn't mean it

**Merlin: **is this what rejection feels like?

**Arthur: **:)

**Merlin: **DAMN IT ARTHUR

* * *

**Arthur: **WHAT THE BLOODY HELL, MERLIN?!

**Merlin: ...**colors?

**Gwaine: **Colors.

**Arthur: **COLORS!

**Gwaine: **We-being the other knights and myself-just wanted so see what would happen if we gave Arthur red _and_ gold. And its...uh...

**Arthur: **STRIPES DAMN IT

**Merlin: **TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR

**Arthur: **The hell?

**Merlin: **Nothing, Arthur. Go back to your mental breakdown.

**Merlin: **lmfao

**Arthur: **I swear I will end you

**Gwaine: **run

**Gaius: **Merlin! Gwaine! No more turning royalty colors. I've had enough trouble getting Uther back to normal. Now Arthur? I don't need to be sweeping up what remains of you in a dustbin!

**Merlin: **Yes Gaius

**Gwaine: **yes gaius

**Arthur: **how long does this last?

**Arthur: **hello?

**Arthur: **WHERE THE HELL DO YOU ALL GO?! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE JOBS.

**Merlin: **actually...

**Gwaine: **I disagree...

**Gaius: **on the contrary, sire...

**Arthur: **IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE JOBS THAT DON'T INVOLVE SERVING ME.

**Arthur: **...so how long will this last?

**Arthur: **Hello?!

**Merlin: **dolluphead.

**Merlin: **:)

* * *

**Gwaine: **Morgana?

**Morgana: **No.

* * *

**Morgana: **Arthur. Do you know how to block calls on your phone?

**Arthur: **Why...?

**Morgana: **Gwaine.

**Arthur: **That bad, huh?

**Morgana: **He's called six times.

**Morgana: **In the last hour.

**Arthur: **...ah.

**Morgana: **So? Can you help me?

**Arthur: **Let me think...

**Arthur: **...no.

**Morgana: **Damn you, Arthur Pendragon.

**Morgana: **Hang on. I've got an incoming call...

* * *

**Morgana: **Morgause?

**Arthur: **Still, no.

**Arthur: **who is this morgause, anyway?

**Morgana: **just...a friend.

**Arthur: **a friend that tries to help you kill people?

**Morgana: **I WOULDN'T NEED HER HELP, ANYWAY. MY MAGIC IS MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.

**Arthur: **Magic...? O.O

**Morgana: **...

**Morgana: **Do me a favor and delete that last message for me.

**Morgana: **Arthur?

**Morgana: **Did you pass out or something?

**Morgana: **crap.

* * *

**Gwaine: **She's so hiiiigh...

**Merlin: **What.

**Gwaine: **High above me

**Gwaine: **she's so lovely

**Merlin: **Cheer up, mate. Nothing personal. Morgana hates everyone.

**Gwaine: **like cleopatra, joan of arc or aphrodite...

**Merlin: **who?

**Gwaine: **beats me

**Gwaine: **she won't answer my calls, Merlin D:

**Merlin: **maybe shes busy?

**Gwaine: **doing what

**Merlin: **...

**Merlin: **Plotting your demise, because shes secretly an evil sorceress?

**Gwaine: **that's ridiculous, merlin

**Merlin: **but don't pretend you didn't laugh

**Arthur: **MERLIN. I THINK MORGANA IS AN EVIL SORCERESS.

**Merlin: **lol

* * *

**Morgana: **tell me how to kill someone.

**Morgause: **what?

**Morgana: **tell me how to kill someone without leaving any evidence.

**Morgana: **please.

**Morgause: **sometimes revenge is sweeter than death, dear sister.

**Morgana: **I'll take that to heart. Just a moment...

* * *

**Gwaine: **Morgues! She is buffalo corpses.

**Merlin: **could it be...? :D

**Gwaine: **fudge yoyo alope

**Merlin: **AUTO COCONUT.

**Merlin: **WHERE THE HELL IS ARTHUR?! :D

* * *

**Arthur: **well, Gwaine. How the mighty have fallen.

**Gwaine: **screech owl yikes

**Arthur: **no need to use that kind of language...

**Gwaine: ****SCREW YOU**

**Merlin: **he will end you.

**Arthur: **I will.

**Gwaine: **donut yoyo think I fuchsia care bears?!

**Gwaine: **DAMN IT

**Merlin: **I love you, buddy

**Merlin: **in a totally manly and not gay way

**Arthur: **what's a care bear?

**Merlin: **I don't think you want me to grace you with the new nightmares.

**Gwaine: **fudge turnip you all in llama land

**Gwaine: **that wasn't everest remotely closed

**Gwaine: ****Even **close

**Arthur: **I haven't laughed this hard since "I will serialize heart yoyo kickshaw offer my lanyard".

**Merlin: **just wait, arthur. There will be karma.

**Merlin: **and you will be next.

**Arthur: **if I live that long

**Merlin: **Improper grammar?!

**Arthur: **im laughing too hard you dolluphead

**Gwaine: **how is that even fair?!

**Gwaine: **well, hoy underlay this preteen whelp

**Gwaine: **THE FUDGE?!

**Arthur: **:)

* * *

**Thank you all so much for all your amazing reviews. I'm so happy just to see them! :) Next chapter promises more crack, more characters, more Evil Morgana, and more drunken characters. Guess who...?**

**Let me know if there's another character you want to see, an idea you want me to use, or a color you want me to turn Uther. I'll try and work it in! **

**Reviews feed my brain. More reviews = more chapters! Until the next one, then. ;)**

**-K. A. Carlyle**


	4. Chapter 4

**I swear, I'm usually more organized than this. o.e**

**I'm sorry it took me so much longer to update this time. I'll try to be quicker from now on!**

**This is usually where I'd make a bad joke about giving you crack, but I'm all out for the time being. :/ Next time, then. ;)**

* * *

**Arthur: **Merlin? Gwaine? Where are you?

**Gwaine: **alajeslsmise;nkods

**Merlin: **...at a party

**Gwaine: **no he's lying

**Gwaine: **we're actually at the tavern

**Merlin: **i thought we werent supposed to tell him that

**Gwaine: **oops.

**Gwaine: **thank god for spell check because I can't type worth a damn

**Merlin: **BWAHAHAHAHAHAH

**Arthur: **dear mother of god

**Merlin: **I THINK IM GOING TO THROW UP

**Gwaine: **sure but in the bucket okay

**Arthur: **This conversation is over.

**Arthur: **Just don't spend all your money and make me bail you out again, Gwaine.

**Gwaine: **well in that case I should have stopped asking for refills at least two hours ago

**Gwaine: **merlin not included

**Merlin: **s ok sire. i dont really drink looking out for HIM

**Merlin: **OH GOD I REALLY NEED TO THROW UP

**Merlin: **GWAINE WHERE'S TH-

**Gwaine: **lol

**Arthur: **merlin?

**Arthur: **where'd he go?

**Gwaine: **hes passed out on the floor.

**Gwaine: **shall I rouse him for you!

**Arthur: **I think you mean "?"

**Gwaine: **thats what I said. But do u want me 2 or not

**Arthur: **don't bother. Just string him to the rafters by his ears and I'll come fetch him in a few hours.

**Arthur: **give or take a day.

**Arthur: **mind video taping it though?

**Gwaine: [**NEW MULTIMEDIA MESSAGE]

**Arthur: **delete the video and burn the phone.

**Gwaine: '**scuse me?

**Arthur: **DO IT. This video could mean the end of the world.

* * *

**Morgause: **Morgana?

**Morgana: **mmph. Its 3 am

**Morgause: **how much do you know about armies of the undead?

**Morgana: **GO AWAY. IT'S TOO UNGODLY AN HOUR.

**Morgause: **looks like I woke up a little early this morning...

**Morgana: **damn right! It's too early to even be alive.

**Morgause: **...okay, sister...we'll discuss this later, then...

**Morgana: **if you'd like to keep all your organs in their current arrangement without having to hold them in with your hands, id assume so.

* * *

**Gwen: **I don't want an intestine sweater...

**Arthur: **I...I'm sorry? Was that autocorrect? I don't remember turning it on...

**Gwen: **no, it's not autocorrect.

**Arthur: **then...can I get an explanation...?

**Gwen: **morgana is going to knit a sweater.

**Gwen: **using my intestines.

**Arthur: **well. I'm glad that there's a rational explanation for all this.

**Arthur: **?!

**Arthur: **sarcasm!

**Gwen: **right...sorry...

**Gwen: **I walked into morgana's room this morning to see if I could get her anything and she glared at me with these bloodshot eyes and threatened me.

**Arthur: **what did she say?

**Morgana: **I will knit you a sweater using your intestines if you take one step closer.

**Gwen: **...something like that.

**Arthur: **Morgana?!

**Morgana: **Arthur?

**Arthur: **you don't do that to people!

**Morgana: **no one told _me_.

**Arthur: **then...just...

**Arthur: **stop.

**Morgana: **maybe I'll stop texting altogether for a while.

**Arthur: **wonderful.

**Morgana: **

**Arthur: **what?

**Morgana: **

**Gwen: **I believe she's expressing her annoyance in a simplistically terrifying way.

**Arthur: **well it's working.

**Morgana: **

**Arthur: **that's really freaking me out

**Morgana: **

**Arthur: **are you sure my phone's not just glitching?

**Gwen: **I see it, too.

**Arthur: **...

**Arthur: **what do we do?

**Gwen: ...**get merlin?

**Arthur: **EVERY TIME SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS, WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO GO TRAIPSING AROUND THE KINGDOM FOR MY SERVANT. I'M THE FREAKING PRINCE OF CAMELOT!111!1!

**Morgana: **

**Arthur: **o.e

**Morgana: **

**Gwen: **so, merlin?

**Arthur: **merlin.

* * *

**Arthur: **merlin.

**Merlin: **ARTHUR THANK GOD

**Merlin: **my ears hurt like hell and no one will tell me what happened after I blacked out

**Merlin: **also I can't feel my brain

**Arthur: **Maybe it fell out your ears.

**Merlin: **that would explain why they're hurting so much!

**Arthur: **...

**Arthur: **Right. So, anyway...

**Merlin: **yeah

**Arthur: **Have you seen Morgana's new form of communication?

**Merlin: **can't say that I have.

**Arthur: **not to worry. You'll find out soon enough.

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **dear god thats terrifying

**Arthur: **so?

**Merlin: **make her stahp arthurrrr

**Arthur: **That implies that I have some semblance of authority here.

**Merlin: **shes even creepier than usual

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **was that supposed to be indignant?

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **what was that supposed to be?

**Arthur: **I stopped asking myself a long time ago, Merlin.

* * *

**Merlin: **you still laughing about last night?

**Arthur: **of course.

**Arthur: **you, drunk? Have you _ever_ seen anything more ridiculous, merlin?

**Merlin: **says the man I found curled up on the forest floor only weeks ago rocking back and forth and singing to himself

**Merlin: **and quite possibly sucking his thumb

**Arthur: **...

**Arthur: **it was bleeding. And that's beside the point.

**Merlin: **and the point is?

**Arthur: **you're an ass.

**Merlin: **I'm sure you can relate, being a royal one.

**Merlin: ...**your argument is invalid.

**Merlin: **Arthur...

**Merlin: **true story, though.

**Arthur: **I swear I wasn't _that_ drunk.

**Merlin: **understatement of the century there

**Arthur: **Yeah, right.

**Merlin: **you started telling me that the mushrooms would make you immortal.

**Arthur: **that so did not happen.

**Merlin: **would u like 2 c the videos

**Arthur: **merlin, if I remember correctly, there's an armory that needs your attention right about now...

**Merlin: **I'm sharpening swords right now, as a matter of fact.

**Arthur: **while you're texting?!

**Merlin: **yeah why

**Merlin: **ouch! Goddammit-

**Merlin: **[censored]

**Arthur: **That's why.

**Arthur: **You want to keep all your fingers.

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **oh shit

**Arthur: **:)

* * *

**Ooh, a line. :3**

**I have to say, this is one of my favorites. Hopefully I won't wait that long to update again; I apologize for that, by the way. Next chapter will include a new character in the mix and more auto-correct...maybe. ;)**

**Until then, review! Thanks for your continued support! You all are the best. (:**


	5. Chapter 5

**Let's be honest here, for a moment. Did anyone here not expect Morgana to not be a morning person? I mean, she goes galavanting about in the woods at midnight with her half-sister and plots the demise of her father. She's a little creepy. Sometimes, though I hate to wonder...I think she may be a werewolf. o.e All that aside, though...I've brought you some more crack, dearies.**

**Enjoy it. **

* * *

**Merlin: **ugh

**Arthur: **feeling better?

**Merlin: **no

**Arthur: **cheer up, merlin. You'll be sharpening swords again in no time.

**Merlin: **you, my friend, need a hobby.

**Arthur: **a hobby?! A hobby doing what?!

**Merlin: **I don't know. Something.

**Arthur: **other than running a kingdom?

**Merlin: **yeah. Something like that.

**Merlin: **hunting.

**Arthur: **I already do that.

**Merlin: **dancing.

**Arthur: **are you _actually_ going to start listing-

**Merlin: **singing soprano

**Arthur: **you just cut me off! How did you-

**Merlin: **majk. Upshut.

**Arthur: **what-

**Merlin: **commemorative spoon collecting

**Arthur: **that's it. Goodbye, merlin.

**Merlin: **fuchsiacare-bear collecting.

**Merlin: **you're right. I should stop.

* * *

**Gwaine: **gloats tulip itch

**Merlin: **auto-correct still on, Gwaine?

**Merlin: **ah, the joys that were that moment in my life.

**Merlin: **so glad it's over.

**Gwaine: **did you noodles Autonomy's farrier elephants

**Gwaine: ****knead **Arthur's **feather **episode

**Gwaine: ****know **Autopsy **fling **crayon

**Merlin: **cyan?

**Merlin**: His father is cyan?

**Gwaine**: Grass

**Merlin**: Grass?

**Gwaine**: that's all I know.

**Gwaine**: **YES** DAMN IT

**Arthur: **this is GOLD.

**Merlin: **go commemorative spoon collecting or something

**Arthur: **why can't slapping you upside the head every day count as a hobby?

**Merlin: **because I'm the one that has to approve it, dumbass. And that's not a good enough hobby.

**Arthur: **I'M an ass? YOU'RE an ass.

**Merlin: **well you would know. you're the king of them.

**Merlin: **lyk a boss

**Merlin: **hello

* * *

**Kilgharrah: **who are you?

**Lancelot: **who am I? What do you mean, who am I? I'm Sir Lancelot! Who are you?

**Kilgharrah: **my apologies, sir knight. I am the dragon to which Merlin introduced you not so long ago.

**Lancelot: **and he gave you a cell phone? That kid's braver than I thought.

**Kilgharrah: **indeed. Or stupider; either works. You see, now I can grace him with the pleasure of cryptic language at all hours of the day. I do love to watch him twitch.

**Lancelot: **sure, sure. As do we all. But...uh...why did you have to ask me who I was? If you had my phone number, I mean, which...is a little creepy...but all that aside...

**Kilgharrah: **merlin did some messing with my contacts. Now everyone is a different person.

**Lancelot: **who am I?

**Kilgharrah: **that's a ridiculous question. You're Lancelot.

**Lancelot: **I meant which person was I switched to on your phone?

**Kilgharrah: **Uther.

**Kilgharrah: **actually...everyone is Uther.

**Lancelot: **lol

**Lancelot: **good luck with that.

* * *

**Kilgharrah: **Merlin!

**Merlin: **Dragon.

**Kilgharrah: **I have a name, you know.

**Merlin: **and I can't spell it.

**Arthur: **who?

**Merlin: **ah, arthur. Carrying on the family tradition of bad timing I see

**Merlin: **also it's all your dad's fault he's the one that wanted a pet

**Merlin: **but I told him, "you won't walk it. You won't feed it. I'll end up being the one that has to go tend to it. And there's hardly enough space for it in the yard. You'll have to put it in the caverns."

**Merlin: **but it's really all your dad's fault.

**Arthur: **My father has a pet dragon?!

**Merlin: **I love how that's all you got out of that

**Merlin: **and yes that was sarcasm

**Kilgharrah: **We are prisoners to our own chains. We forge them through the deeds we do. Uther has merely chosen to hang them on me.

**Arthur: **And he spews cryptic shit!

**Merlin: ** Dragon- I actually was in the middle of a private conversation. Go take yourself for a walk.

**Kilgharrah: **I'm not a dog, merlin!

**Merlin: **I can turn you into one.

**Kilgharrah: **This I'd love to see.

**Merlin: **Shut up. Fly away, o great and mighty shit-spewer.

**Arthur: **LOL.

**Arthur: **damn it.

**Arthur: **It's catching on.

* * *

**Gwaine**: How's Gaius doing?

**Merlin**: still orange.

**Merlin**: the pink and yellow stripes are a real pain in the ass to remove, though.

**Merlin**: tried one potion that accidentally turned him into a frog...

**Merlin**: he still had the colors though

**Merlin**: he was very amusing.

**Gwaine**: dear god

**Merlin**: managed to get rid of the polka dots though!

**Gwaine: **my point being, Lancelot tells me you have a dragon?

**Merlin: **of course. It's my dragon now. Whenever it's being good, it's Uther's dragon. But when it makes a mess on the carpet or eats someone, it's suddenly MY dragon.

**Gwaine: **theoretically, though...you _could_ turn said dragon...colors?

**Merlin: **gwaine don't even think about it

**Merlin: **gwaine

**Merlin: **camelot's reign will be ending a little early I suppose

**Gwaine: **whats that supposed to mean?

**Merlin: **WE'RE ALL GOING TO FREAKING DIE

**Gwaine: **now isnt the time to panic, merlin

**Merlin: **NOW IS AN EXCELLENT TIME TO PANIC

**Gwaine: **Ill just see if I can steal another potion from gaius. Besides...dragon's chained up rite

**Merlin: **sure

**Merlin: **we'll miss you, buddy!

* * *

**Gwaine: **I'm alive

**Merlin: **thats unfortunate

**Gwaine: **I'm at the tavern

**Merlin: **of course you are.

**Merlin: **don't kill yourself in the next five minutes, gwaine. I'm going to go down there and get you

**Arthur: **you? Tavern? Oh dear god.

**Arthur: **We'll miss you, buddy.

* * *

**Gwaine**: back at the tavern then, eh, Merlin?

**Merlin**: kmn

**Gwaine**: later.

**Merlin**: screw you.

**Gwaine**: it's time for my favorite game...

**Merlin**: I apologize

**Gwaine**: ...hi, have you met Merlin?

**Random Blonde #1**: why hello there. ;)

**Merlin**: You're kidding me, right.

**Gwaine**: what? no

**Merlin**: oh. My bad. Just ironic I guess

**Gwaine: **ironic?

**Merlin: **I forget you can't see the future. Sry.

**Merlin**: what do you people do within those funny little heads of yours? It must be so boring.

* * *

**There you have it. New chapter and allusions to everything in the world. And I promise I'll have another new character in the next chapter. And more auto-correct, because I have a lot of fun with that. Let it not be said that I ever ignore my reviewers! Gaius was colored and the dragon made an appearance. Until then, I present to you...the review box! It's magic. Type in what you want to say and it tells me. Amzing concept, I know!**

**New chapter preview? I've had a few people ask about having one. I'll give you one word: **

**Mordrid.**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm going to shamelessly announce that this is my favorite chapter so far. This is why I need more snow days like this one; more chapters and more auto-correct! I hate to say it, but...all of the voice recognition in this one (and some of the auto-corrects, though I won't mention which ones) were real. My best friend and I text each other these mistakes all the time. "Grass. Grass? That's all I know," was one of them. ;P**

**For those that didn't get them, here's a guide to my allusions: **

**"Private conversation. Go take yourself for a walk." - Once Upon a Time.**

**"It's time for my favorite game...hey, have you met [Ted]?" - How I Met Your Mother.**

**"What do you people do in those funny little heads of yours? It must be so boring." - Sherlock.**

**And without any more useless fluff...here it is. The chapter to end all chapters. (Though certainly not the last one.)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Mordred: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **AH! HOLY-

**Mordred: **Merlin...

**Merlin: **Mordred!

**Mordrid: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **Mordred...

**Mordred: **Merlin?

**Merlin: **Mordred?

**Mordred: **Merlin?

**Merlin: **Mordred!

**Mordred: **merlin.

**Merlin: **M-

**Mordred: **Enough, merlin.

**Merlin: **all right, Mordred.

**Mordred: **okay.

**Merlin: **okay.

**Mordred: **okay...

**Merlin: **okay...

**Mordred: **okay!

**Merlin: **okay?

**Mordred: **okay!

**Merlin: **okay...

**Mordred: **Enough, merlin.

**Merlin: **yeah, right. Sorry.

**Mordred: **okay.

* * *

**Mordred: **Merlin?

**Merlin: **yeah

**Mordred: **You know how I'm supposed to bring about Arthur's downfall?

**Merlin: **uh...yeah...

**Mordred: **You sound scared.

**Merlin: **I'm a little interested to see where you're going with this...

**Mordred: **I don't think you have to worry about that prophecy any longer.

**Merlin: **WHAT?!

**Merlin: **don't tell me these things when I'm drinking. I just sprayed tea all over the phone.

**Merlin: **you're serious?! Did you kill him?!111!1!11

**Mordred: **what? No, of course not. Nothing like that. Well, not exactly. You might want to see for yourself.

**Mordred: **and...wait, tea?

**Merlin: **don't judge me.

* * *

**Merlin: **arthur?

**Arthur: **yes.

**Merlin: **you okay?

**Arthur: ** yes.

**Merlin: **are you...sure?

**Merlin: **yes.

**Mordred: **ask him a question without a straight answer.

**Merlin: **who do you hate more; me or gwaine?

**Arthur: **yes.

**Mordred: **honestly, merlin. I could have told you that.

**Merlin: **do you love Gwen?

**Mordred: **nailed it

**Arthur: **no!

**Merlin: **no...you don't love Gwen?

**Arthur: **yes.

**Merlin: **so, yes...you do love gwen?

**Arthur: **no!

**Merlin: **so...no, you don't love gwen?

**Arthur: **yes!

**Merlin: **im getting some seriously mixed messages here, arthur

**Arthur: **no

**Merlin: **no, you don't love gwen?

**Arthur: **Mermaid, elephants hat you! Shovel upwards!

**Merlin: **is it my birthday

**Merlin: **it must be my birthday

**Merlin: **this is the best present..._anyone_...has ever gotten me.

**Merlin: **thank you, mordred.

**Merlin: **where'd you go?

**Arthur: **Yoyo havana tutu bench joysticks

**Arthur: ****joking

**Merlin: ***crying*

**Merlin: **banana

**Mordred: **joke's on you!

**Merlin: ****tuna

**Merlin: ****hahaha

**Merlin: **Deer goliath none

**Mordred: **taste the auto-correct, bitches.

* * *

**Merlin: **Appendix! I thistle Morbid turfed oligarchy our auto cucumber

**Arthur: **No shawarma

**Merlin: **Buffalo?

**Arthur: **Shovel upwards, Merino sheep

**Mordred: **I love living here.

**Arthur: **it is on the fridge new york we set up the phone with donkeys

**Mordred: **So much.

**Mordred: **ever tried it with voice recognition?

**Gwen: **what's that? What?

**Arthur: **Greedier? Warts are you ding dong help?

**Gwen: **Is it merlin's birthday or something?

**Merlin: **I herpes yolo winter a password you cannot even bulge to imagine

**Gwen: **forget it mentioned it

**Mordred: **Right. But...voice recognition? Try it, Gwen.

**Gwen: **I know they are my nose because my kind of the world.

**Mordred: **brilliant.

* * *

**Kilgharrah: **can someone please explain to me why I woke up pink this morning?!

**Kilgharrah: **Hello?!

**Kilgharrah: **Merlin!

**Merlin: **fish

**Merlin: ****yams

**Merlin: ****YES

**Kilgharrah: **no need to shout. I'm right here.

**Merlin: **x.x

**Merlin: **whirlpool is itch

**Kilgharrah: **Never mind.

* * *

**Gwen: **snorkel baloney and squid fingers?

**Arthur: **Melody chipped his walrus nugget

**Mordred: ***crying*

**Merlin: **starving badgers?

**Merlin: **that's not what I squid at olive

**Merlin: **WHAT IS WITH THIS PHOTO AND FORKS

**Merlin: ****phone **feet

**Mordred: **better, but not quite...

**Merlin: ****F-O-O-D

**Mordred: **there you go

**Arthur: **incinerate wizards

**Gwen: **pig toes!

**Gwen: **this is actually very amusing.

**Merlin: **Soho shell stop codon?

**Mordred: **Yes, Merlin.

**Gwen: **what did he-?

**Mordred: **just pretend you get it. Its better that way.

**Mordred: **and before you ask, it's magic. The answer is always magic.

**Arthur: **yugoslavian turkey bacon

**Mordred: **it's official. This is the best place I've ever lived.

* * *

**Gaius: **where's gwaine? He's made off with another one of my potions.

**Lancelot: **last I heard, he was running away from the dungeons screeching something about dragons and argyle print.

**Gaius: **that explains a lot. Thank you.

**Lancelot: **great. Care to explain it to me?

**Lancelot: **hello?

**Arthur: **Marilyn. Marilyn is elephants and autonomy is Marilyn.

**Merlin: **He goats **Molly**

**Merlin: ****Marinara

**Arthur: ****Maces

**Merlin: **M

**Arthur: **A

**Merlin: **G

**Merlin: **I

**Arthur: **C

**Lancelot: **you two are so cute together.

* * *

..**.everyone's thinkin' it, Lancelot's just sayin' it. **

**Hopefully I'll have a new chapter posted sometime soon. Until then...the magic review box that feeds my brain is right there!**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm still asking myself where this came from. I just remember reading a spoof where Freya gets pissed because Merlin doesn't talk to her at all when he comes to retrieve the sword from the lake. I can't remember for the life of me what she said, but my mind spewed out...this. Ick. I don't even know what this is. But since last week we had a a snow day (and it was like there were millions of little plot bunnies raining from the sky!), I thought this up, and...just read it. **

**BUT FIRST**

**A few responses.**

**Irene - Here. Here is Freya. Since I can hardly remember Will, and as far as I can recall, he's **_**dead, **_**he will not be making an appearance. Even though, as you may have noticed, death hasn't stopped me from writing many of these chapters. (Ahem. Lancelot.)**

**Starzinmieyez - How do I come up with this stuff? Um. I'd like to say most of it hasn't happened to me, but that would be a lie.**

**Pearl - Merthur? Merthur is a bromance. That is all. **

**The Last DragonLady Of Time - I'm glad to hear it. You can die a happy Dragonlord now. Eh...excuse me, that's not politically correct. Dragon**_**person.**_

**Saellyra of Mirkwood - Sorry to disappoint, but no more Hogwarts colors for at least a few more chapters. ;)**

**Pretty Much Everyone Else - Thank you. I have been well informed that it is Mordr**_**E**_**d.**

**And that's it. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Freya: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **WTF?!

**Freya: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **people need to stop texting me when I'm drinking. I'm going to mess up the circuitry in my phone

**Freya: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **What?!

**Freya: **I thought you were going to come and get Arthur's sword from the lake sometime soon? :P

**Freya: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **I was. How do you-

**Freya: **I know everything.

**Freya: **And before you ask, the answer is magic.

**Freya: **Because Marilyn is elephants and autonomy is Marilyn.

**Merlin: **D:

**Merlin: **I think you mean magic. Magic is everything and everything is magic.

**Merlin: **That's pretty much the way it goes here, in case you hadn't noticed.

**Merlin: **new arrival for the tournament.

**Merlin: **he's using magic.

**Merlin: **a stranger comes to camelot.

**Merlin: **they're using magic.

**Merlin: **morgana has a nightmare.

**Merlin: **she's using magic.

**Merlin: **you cut me off when I'm texting

**Merlin: **and wouldn't you bet, you're using magic!

**Freya: **Merlin, I have 11 new messages from you.

**Merlin: **stop?

**Freya: **stop.

**Merlin: **all right. And you should know, im planning to come and get the sword tomorrow

**Freya: **awesome. I'll see you then.

**Merlin: **it's a date.

**Freya: **don't even go there.

* * *

**Gwaine: **arthur

**Arthur: **Warts ick Italy noodles Gwalior

**Arthur: ****What, Gwaine?

**Gwaine: **just wondering how long it took for you to type out a message without letting auto correct mess it up...?

**Gwaine: **where'd you go?

**Gwaine: **hello?

**Arthur: **Long, long time.

**Arthur: **Plus I have Facebook thumbs.

**Gwaine: **what's facebook?

**Arthur: **No idea.

**Arthur: ****fat thumbs

**Gwaine: **good luck with that.

**Mordred: **No way. I'm enjoying this too much.

**Arthur: **Shovel upwards Murdered.

**Gwaine: **What's he saying?

**Mordred: **He keeps saying it to Merlin, so I'd assume its 'shut up.'

**Arthur: **x.x

**Arthur: **This is exhausting.

* * *

**Arthur: **Norse goddess of love?

**Merlin: **sorry. I should think I'd be used to this by now, but I'm really not.

**Merlin: **its taking you forever to respond

**Arthur: **Typing slowly = no auto correct

**Arthur: **Also in shorthand b/c takes so long.

**Merlin: **Ah.

**Merlin: **so?

**Arthur: **Freya = goddess of love. Why you mutter her name when sleeping

**Merlin: **I can hardly understand that at all.

**Arthur: **yoyo sleeves

**Merlin: **joking.

**Merlin: **wait...how would you know if I talk in my sleep?

**Merlin: **were you watching me sleep?!

**Arthur: **no.

**Arthur: **I was...present. While you were unconscious.

**Arthur: **also was going 2 splash u w/water bucket but gaius sed no

**Merlin: **...

**Merlin: **present while I was unconscious?

**Arthur: **whales

**Merlin: **just checking.

**Merlin: **when you see the future, there is irony everywhere.

* * *

**Merlin: **gotta go, gaius!

**Gaius: **Wait just one moment, young man.

**Merlin: ***groan*

**Gaius: **That suspicious look on your face doesn't bode well.

**Arthur: **Westchester ate your groin?

**Merlin: ***crying*

**Arthur: ****W-h-e-r-e a-r-e y-o-u g-o-i-n-g

**Merlin: **have to run some errands. Be back in a minute. Want some milk while I'm at the store, Gaius?

**Gaius: **this isn't funny, merlin.

**Arthur: **Tulip. Ivan's Norse family.

**Merlin: **no, it's really not.

* * *

**Merlin: **I'm here for the sword, freya.

**Freya: **Is that your boat on the water? It looks like it's moving with magic.

**Merlin: **no, its gandalf's.

**Merlin: **of course its mine.

**Freya: **well, then.

**Merlin: **oh, I see your hand. SWORD

**Freya: **oh, seriously, Merlin?! You're just going to take the sword and leave?!

**Merlin: **well? What did you expect, that I was going to stay for tea?!

**Freya: **no, of course not.

**Freya: **you prefer to drink tea when you're reading your text messages.

**Merlin: **very funny.

**Freya: **I wasn't trying to be.

**Freya: **But not so much as a "Freya, I've missed you so much!" or a "You wouldn't believe what you've missed in Camelot recently," or, "How is life, rotting at the bottom of the lake?"

**Merlin: **Uh...the other day, Arthur-

**Freya: **GET OUT!

**Merlin: **did you just throw a shoe at me?!

**Merlin: **the heck?!

**Freya: **plenty of things have sunk to the bottom of this lake over the years. And I have immortal strength.

**Merlin: **shit.

**Freya: **run, little wizard.

**Merlin: **YER A WIZARD, HARRY

**Merlin: **I'm a _warlock_, thank you very much.

**Merlin: **OH GOD WHY IS THE BOAT TIPPING

* * *

**Merlin: **I'm back. x.x

**Gaius: **why are you all wet, merlin?

**Merlin: **its best not to ask some of these things.

**Merlin: **do you have any tea?

**Arthur: **Guess what, Merlin? :)

**Merlin: **Arthur? How did you...

**Arthur: **:)

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO

* * *

**...In which I have absolutely no idea what just happened. **

**Suffice it to say Merlin has girlfriend issues. **

**'till next time.**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	8. Chapter 8

**This isn't my favorite chapter in the world, but here it is. I honestly have no idea where most of this came from. Sorry it's short. My computer isn't handy right now, so I had to write this on my iPad. I have two more chapters in the works, though, that I adore, so look forward to that. **

**I feel like I crossed a line in this chapter. Or maybe a few lines. But here it is anyway. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Gwen: **Merlin?

**Merlin: **hello

**Gwen: **you mentioned that you wanted to talk to me?

**Merlin: **yeah. Serious question.

**Gwen: **uh...okay. Go for it.

**Merlin: **what do you think of Arthur?

**Gwen: **excuse me?!

**Merlin: **serious question

**Gwen: **he's a nice guy, I guess.

**Merlin: **that's all?

**Gwen: **yeah...why?

**Merlin: **he kinda has a thing for you

**Gwen: **right...

**Merlin: **what's the matter?

**Gwen: **isn't he...gay?

**Merlin: **not that im aware of

**Merlin: **wait you're serious

**Gwen: **yes...

**Merlin: **lol!

**Gwen: **...

**Merlin: **b back later crying my eyes out with laughter

* * *

**Arthur: **Merlin.

**Merlin: **ur dollopheadness?

**Arthur: **That's an interesting one.

**Merlin: **isn't it? Spent a good few hours thinking that one up.

**Arthur: **That was sarcastic.

**Arthur: **Im very mad at you.

**Merlin: **no apostrophe? I believe you

**Arthur: **What did you tell gwen about me?!

**Merlin: **lol this'll be interesting

**Arthur: **I'm serious

**Merlin: **IK

**Merlin: **you forgot a period at the end of your sentence.

**Arthur: **Tell me!

**Merlin: **idk. You don't look so serious anymore

**Arthur: **merlin I will sic my fathers dragon on you

**Merlin: **nvm ur serious

**Merlin: **so serious u look it up in the dictionary and ur picture's right there next 2 it

**Arthur: **MERLIN I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY

**Merlin: **well what makes you think I told gwen something?

**Arthur: **she texts me today and says "Arthur, I have a serious question for you."

**Merlin: **and it was?

**Arthur: **"what do you think of merlin?"

**Merlin: **LOLOMG

* * *

**Gwaine: **merlin. I can't talk to girls anymore because Arthur's keeping me away from the tavern

**Gwaine: **help

**Merlin: **well, maybe you should talk to arthur.

**Merlin: **you two can chat about it during knight training or whatever

**Gwaine: **im serious merlin

**Gwaine: **you're ruining my life

**Merlin: **its a part of the job description

**Merlin: **"all-powerful sorcerer. Must have large ears and be a pain in the ass."

**Merlin: **if youll excuse me, I have chores to do.

* * *

**Merlin: **Arthur. you know i wasnt serious when I was telling you to find a hobby right

**Arthur: **I understand that, Merlin.

**Merlin: **so why did I find a collection of fuchsia care bears when I opened the door to your cupboard this morning?

**Merlin: **Hmmm?

**Arthur: **...they're Gwen's.

**Merlin: **yeah right.

**Arthur: **I have no reason to want a care bear, merlin.

**Merlin: **YOU DIDN'T CAPITALIZE MY NAME! IT IS YOU!

**Arthur: **go away

**Merlin: **I'm not anywhere near you.

**Merlin: **who knows. Maybe I'm burning the bears.

**Arthur: **GET OUT OF MY CLOSET MERLIN!

* * *

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **oh dear god not this again

**Gwen: **I see the return of intestine sweaters on the horizon...

**Merlin: **rofl

**Gwen: **?

**Merlin: **google it.

**Gwen: **I would if I had any idea what you were talking about.

**Merlin: **touché.

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **What the heck morgana? This doesnt even concern you

**Gwen: **Please morgana tell me youre not mad at me for anything I rlly don't want an intestine sweater... D:

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **

**Gwen: **NOT YOU TOO?!

**Merlin: **loljk

**Morgana: **

**Gwen: **morgan u mad?

**Gwen: **tell me in under five words?

**Morgana: **I hate you.

**Morgana: **Bitch.

**Merlin: **ahaha

**Gwen: ...**and just like that, my self esteem is crushed.

* * *

**Arthur: **I ate Merlin.

**Gwen: **you what now?!

**Arthur: ****hate** Merlin. I hate Merlin. Missed the key.

**Gwen: **lol!

**Arthur: **Its not funny, Gwen.

**Gwen: **of course not.

**Gwen: **so why do you ate merlin?

**Arthur: **Never mind.

**Gwen: **No, wait! I swear that was an accident!

**Merlin: **this is more amusing than you'd ever even imagine

**Gwen: **in three...two...

**Arthur: **SHUT UP, MERLIN

**Gwen: **on the nose!

**Merlin: **but arthur

**Merlin: **I just wanted to know why you ate me...?

**Arthur: **Go away!

**Merlin: **ARTHUR'SGOTASECRETCAREBEARCOLLECTION

**Merlin: **I'M OUT C YA LOZERS

**Gwen: **...?

**Arthur: **DAMN IT MERLIN!

* * *

**Lancelot: **aren't they funny together?

**Gwen: **they are.

**Lancelot: ...**so it begins.

**Gwen: **indeed! they're...a bromance. like they're related but also totally not.

**Lancelot: **Merthur.

**Gwen: **what?

**Lancelot: **Merlin + Arthur = Merthur. The bromance of all bromances.

**Gwen: **I like the way you think, my friend.

**Lancelot: **;)

* * *

**In which I crossed so many lines, I think the break lines could symbolize them.**

**Look...I'd like to say something. I can't delete this now, looking back, but if I could, I would. I hate it. Ugh. Merthur is a stupid idea, whoever thought of it...but this is the chapter I dedicate to my friend Pearlbunny. Expect no more.**

**That's all.**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello, all. Happy April Fools Day! I was going to have some April Fools crack for you, but the only pranks I know are sticky-noting someone's car and putting salt in someone's milk...neither of which would really happen around Camelot (Although, if you've heard about the joke with Bradley James and his secret milk fetish, I suppose that could be an amusing idea to branch off of...). So instead, I bring you...the usual nonsense. **

**You know how this works. **

* * *

**Lancelot: **Hello, Gaius. I was wondering if you ever found Gwaine...?

**Gaius: **As a matter of fact, Lancelot, I did.

**Lancelot: **and...?

**Gaius: **Well, I'm rather in the middle of something here.

**Lancelot: **what?

**Gaius: **watching a certain knight being chased around a cavern by a pink argyle-print dragon.

**Lancelot: **OH THE IMAGES

**Lancelot: **but seriously where is he?

**Gaius: **I'll just send you a video.

**Lancelot: **Cell phone: 200 dollars.

**Lancelot: **Color-changing potion: 50 dollars.

**Lancelot: **Watching Gwaine screaming like a two-year-old girl as he's pinned by a massive pink-and-argyle dragon?

**Lancelot: **priceless.

* * *

**Arthur**: Merlin, where the hell are we?!

**Merlin**: Well, when I imagined conjuring a TARDIS and transporting us to the future, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

**Arthur**: _Where_ _are_ _we?!_

**Merlin**: times square. 2013.

**Gwaine**: What's a Times Square?

**Merlin**: bettr question. What r u doing here?

**Gwaine**: snuck into your blue box

**Gwaine**: before you crashed it, that is

**Gwaine**: it's bigger on the inside

**Arthur**: No, it's smaller on the outside.

**Merlin**: SHUT UP, THE BOTH OF YOU! I'M TRYING TO THINK!

**Arthur**: We should let him get on with it, then. This happens far too rarely.

**Gwaine**: agreed!

**Gwaine**: say, arthur?

**Arthur**: What...?

**Gwaine**: do you think they have taverns here?

**Arthur**: ...yes, Gwaine. I'd imagine they do.

* * *

**Gwen**: have you seen Arthur?

**Lancelot**: last I checked, Merlin was dragging him along into this blue box blabbering "come along, Pond."

**Gwen**: that explains so much and yet nothing at the same time.

**Lancelot**: glad I can help

* * *

**Gwaine: **what is this place arthur

**Arthur: **I have...no idea.

**Gwaine: **is it a tavern of the future?

**Arthur: **Possibly.

**Merlin: **Sane people call it "applebee's"

**Merlin: **but if u want to call it the tavern of the future, be my guest.

**Arthur: **shut up merlin

**Merlin: **excellent idea sire

**Gwaine: **whats got you so scared of arthur suddenly, merlin?

**Arthur: **My father has a pet dragon.

**Merlin: **...that I can control...

**Arthur: **Also I've got video evidence of the last time he was at the tavern.

**Merlin: **I think I left half of my ears hanging from those rafters...

**Arthur: **Bringing back fond memories, Gwaine?

**Gwaine: **I will never be able to unsee what happened that night arthur. It was pure gold.

**Merlin: **pushing it

**Gwaine: **What happens in the tavern stays in the tavern.

**Arthur: **Same goes for the future.

**Merlin: **here, here!

* * *

**Merlin: **Okay. Who gave Gwaine the matches?!

**Gwaine: **BURN BABY BURN

**Arthur: **How much have you been drinking...?

**Gwaine: **gargaflarga

**Merlin: **y do u even bother asking anymore

**Gwaine: **Its fun to throw things and shoot them with fire.

**Arthur: **Merlin DUCK

**Merlin: **duck

**Merlin: **goose

**Merlin: **oh u mean duck so whatever that was that just hit me in the head wouldnt hve

**Arthur: **...

**Gwaine: **merlin. I've found this fire of the future to be quite entertaining.

**Merlin: **They're just matches, gwaine. There's nothing about them that-HOLY CRAP WHO GAVE YOU THE LIGHTERS

**Gwaine: **burning things gives me joy.

**Merlin: ** back away from the alcohol gwaine. U don't want to light this whole place on

**Merlin: **...fire.

**Gwaine: **FIREEEE

**Merlin: **Never mind.

**Gwaine: **it smells like burning faces in here

**Merlin: **thats disgusting

**Gwaine: **ur right. Raw face is just gross. They must be burned MORE

**Arthur: **I will never be able to unsee that.

**Merlin: **srsly. Professional help. Im working on it.

**Arthur: **If you'll excuse me, I'm going to hide in the TARDIS and reevaluate my career choices.

**Merlin: **I think I'll join you.

**Gwaine: **fire is beautiful.

**Gwaine: **hey whered you guys go?!

* * *

**Arthur: **Okay, so...managed to lock Merlin in the TARDIS. Life will be a lot better now.

**Arthur: **And also no more burning things Gwaine.

**Gwaine: **I make no promises.

**Arthur: **Whatever. Hey, that looks cool...

**Gwaine: **What?

**Arthur: **"New York's Best Pizza."

**Arthur: **I don't know what 'pizza' is, but if its the best, I must try it!

**Gwaine: **Agree 100%

**Arthur: **We ride.

* * *

**Merlin: **u suck

**Merlin: **u r the worst boss ever arthur

**Merlin: **...and you also changed the settings on my phone so I can't send any outgoing messages.

**Merlin: **brilliant.

**Merlin: **you mean to say ive been sitting here texting you like crazy and ur not getting any of this

**Merlin: **as long as im here I might as well take a stab at reevaluating the point of my life and my questionable choices in friends.

**Merlin: ...**and ur still not getting any of this r u

**Uther: **:)

**Merlin: **WHAT THE HELL?!

* * *

**Merlin: **welcome back u guys.

**Arthur: **Merlin! Open the door!

**Merlin: **I dunno. It appears to be locked.

**Arthur: **That's not fair. We can't lock you in just to have you lock us out.

**Merlin: **Unfortunate that theres locks on both sides then isnt it

**Arthur: **Tell me what you think, Gwaine. In this video, does Merlin look more like a sack of potatoes or a dead deer?

**Merlin: **not gonna work gwaine already saw it

**Arthur: **I wonder if you can embed a video in group messaging?

**Merlin: **Oh look the door just opened

**Merlin: **hahaha

**Merlin: **Neehehehehe

**Merlin: **no hard feelings then arthur old buddy old pal

**Merlin: **hello

**Gwaine: ** you are so screwed my friend.

* * *

**Merlin: **back gaius

**Gaius**: and what lesson have we learned from all this, Merlin?

**Merlin**: don't try to be the Doctor.

**Merlin**: and don't let Gwaine and Arthur roam free in Times Square

**Merlin**: or they'll come back with Yankees hats and t shirts advertising new York's favorite pizza

**Merlin**: and they don't even know what it is.

**Gwen**: what what is?

**Merlin**: exactly.

* * *

**I must say, I'm rather liking Gwaine the pyromaniac. It's amusing.**

**Pearlbunny was asking (a while back) about where Uther went. I found him! And he will be back in Chapter 11.**

**For now, though, Chapter 10 is almost ready. I should have it up by Friday. ** **In which the cast of Merlin Text Messages travels to WDW. **

**For those of you that know what that is...be very afraid. (And don't Google it if you want the surprise!)**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	10. Chapter 10

**Well, this should be interesting. This has been swirling around in the Maelstrom of my mind for a while, and I've been dying to let it out. Although, I suppose that's the best type of writing: the ideas that get pent up within your brain so they have enough time to grow and develop before flowing out onto the page as something with some semblence of quality. Or, in this case, something absolutely terrifying. **

**Also...the bit about the brain cells is entirely made up. I invented all of those numbers. I know nothing about any of this scientifical stuff. **

**...stay in school, kids. **

**Anyway. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Gaius**: Merlin? Where are you? You've been gone all day.

**Merlin**: On a field trip, Gaius

**Gaius**: ?

**Merlin**: well, after a while, I got Arthur to admit that he "might've kinda sorta liked the future."

**Gaius**: which is supposed to mean what exactly?

**Merlin**: WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

**Gaius**: Merlin, when you return, I am getting you professional help.

* * *

**Gwaine**: I heard you guys went back to the future.

**Merlin**: lol. Sentence phrasing.

**Merlin**: and yeah, we did.

**Gwaine**: you didn't take me with you :(

**Merlin**: would you have taken you with you

**Merlin**: after what happened last time

**Gwaine**: probably not.

**Gwaine**: then again, it was a hell of a lot of fun.

**Merlin**: yeah right. You burned down the Applebee's in Times Square.

**Gwaine**: and I apologized

**Gwaine**: but that's beside the point

**Merlin**: and the point is?

**Gwaine**: I am the party, Merlin. Without me, you are party-less.

**Merlin**: perfect grammar? What is this?!

**Gwaine**: trying to convey a point. Take me with you.

**Merlin**: NEVER

**Gwaine**: you suck as a friend, Merlin

**Merlin**: don't I know it.

**Merlin**: but it gets worse. Just wait.

**Gwaine**: ?

**Merlin**: Gwaine, you're on a need-to-know basis.

**Merlin**: and you don't need to know.

* * *

**Arthur**: merliinnn wats wrong with me

**Arthur**: I cant feel my brainz

**Merlin**: it worked! Holy crap...

**Arthur**: what the hell merlin

**Merlin**: I've created a monster!

**Merlin**: IT'S ALIIIVVVEEE!

**Arthur**: r u saying I should be dead?

**Merlin**: no.

**Merlin**: but maybe dormant. Like a third of your brain cells now are because of that spell I cast on you.

**Merlin**: now my life might actually be tolerable.

**Merlin**: and I get to lead a ten year old around the theme park!

**Arthur**: you gave me the mind of a ten year old?

**Merlin**: I gave you the mental capacity of one.

**Arthur**: I dont understand that sentence.

**Arthur**: no more long words k

**Merlin**: im a freaking genius.

* * *

**Merlin**: hmm. Epcot or Magic Kingdom?

**Arthur**: Hollywood Studios, you idiot!

**Merlin**: who asked you?

**Gwaine**: I would have gone Epcot. :(

**Merlin**: another country heard from...

**Merlin**: get it? Because Epcot, and the countries...

**Merlin**: you guys suck.

**Gwaine**: pls take me with you guys!

**Merlin**: no

**Gwaine**: but-

**Merlin**: no

**Gwaine**: I-

**Merlin**: no

**Gwaine**: you don't even know-

**Merlin**: no

**Gwaine**: screw you

**Merlin**: I get that a lot

**Gwaine**: how are you cutting me off?

**Merlin**: no

**Arthur**: Marilyn is elephants and elephants is Marilyn

**Merlin**: listen to the ten year old.

* * *

**Lancelot**: Merlin!

**Merlin**: not now!

**Lancelot**: why?

**Merlin**: we're on the Tower of Terror

**Lancelot**: sounds...terrifying.

**Merlin**: it is.

**Merlin**: no, wait...I think it's done...

**Merlin**: OH GOD WHERE DID THE FLOOR GO

**Arthur**: this is amazing

**Lancelot**: Arthur? You're there too?

**Arthur**: assumingly so

**Lancelot**: I must tell gwen.

* * *

**Gwen**: I sense a disturbance in the force.

**Gwen**: my common senses are tingling.

**Lancelot**: Correct.

**Lancelot**: Elsewhere, while we are not present, there is Merthur going on.

**Gwen**: Indeed.

**Lancelot**: Why r we talking like that?

**Gwen**: no clue but its getting annoying

**Lancelot**: agreed.

**Gwen**: so now what?

**Lancelot**: I don't know.

**Gwen**: we should go to Disney World.

**Lancelot**: Ha! Yeah, right. How r we gonna do that?

**Gwen**: there's this Police Public Call Box in Merlin's room.

**Lancelot**: how the hell do you know that?

**Gwen**: he's always talking about it.

**Lancelot**: what are we waiting for, then? That's how he traveled in time before.

**Gwen**: let's go.

* * *

**Merlin**: holy crap how did you guys find us

**Gwen**: magic

**Lancelot**: True story.

**Arthur**: the hell r u guys doin here

**Gwen: **Arthur? U ok?

**Arthur: **no bitch

**Gwen**: Merlin! Is he high?!

**Merlin**: hah. No.

**Merlin**: even I'm not THAT thick.

**Gwen**: so what's wrong with him, then?

**Merlin**: Gwen, you're on a need-to-know basis.

**Lancelot**: And I'm guessing we don't need to know.

**Merlin**: you catch on quick.

* * *

**Merlin**: I'm surprised Gwaine didn't beg you to take him

**Gwen**: he did at first. But when I reminded him that you would kill us both if I let that happen, he declared that Disney world was "too mainstream, anyway"'and stalked off

**Merlin**: you realize he lied to you right

**Gwen**: undoubtedly

**Merlin**: I bet he camped out in my TARDIS

**Gwen**: your TARDIS?

**Merlin**: I rented it

**Gwen**: ...

**Merlin**: WITH EVERY INTENTION OF BRINGING IT BACK

**Gwen**: let's just see if we can track down Gwaine

**Merlin**: wait...let me scan the park for him

**Merlin**: he's at Hollywood studios! He's close!

**Gwen**: we ride!

* * *

**Merlin**: Gwaine, I-HOLY CRAP PUT THE TORCHES DOWN

**Gwaine**: burning things gives me joy

**Arthur**: I think it's time to go home now Merlin

**Lancelot**: holy...did he just burn down the Rock'n'Roller Coaster?!

**Gwen**: clearly not an Aerosmith fan

**Gwaine**: DIE, STEVEN TYLER, DIE

**Gwaine**: AND YER LITTLE BAND, TOO

**Merlin**: and that, children, Is the story of why your uncle Gwaine isn't allowed in Disney world anymore.

**Gwen**: Or the future.

**Lancelot**: or even the stolen TARDIS

**Gwaine**: I love things that are flammable

**Merlin**: oh it is so time to go

* * *

**Gwaine**: upon reflection Merlin I probably shouldn't have gone so overboard with the flamethrower.

**Merlin**: I thought we agreed to just let it go

**Arthur**: I think I'm still in a sugar coma

**Gwen**: I second that motion

**Lancelot**: I think I left my stomach somewhere on the spinning teacup ride

**Merlin**: I would ask if any of you found my sense of direction or my depth perception on the Rock'n'Roller Coaster, but it would have been burned down by now anyway.

**Gaius**: What on Earth are you all talking about?

**Gwen**: sugar

**Lancelot**: teacups

**Gwaine**: they wouldn't let me burn Space Mountain.

**Merlin**: nothing gaius

**Arthur**: STAR TOURS, BITCHES

**Gaius**: ?

**Merlin**: and they never spoke of it again

* * *

**I finally sent the cast of MTM to Disney World! I've been waiting for this day since I started writing. Mua-ha-ha...**

**Just so you know...it would be the best birthday present ever to break 100 reviews... /wink wink nudge nudge/**

**...keep watch for more soon.**

**-K. A. Carlyle**


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm rather torn between wanting to give more Merthur and just letting it go. To assure you, if it helps, I hate Merthur. Like many of you. But Pearlbunny is a good friend of mine in real life, and there's always the great chance that she might kill me in my sleep if I don't provide said Merthur. **

**With a butter knife. **

**So I can feel it. **

**Anyway. I spent last week in not-so-sunny Florida, had a blast, spent money like a man with no arms...it's been fun. But I've also gotten some good inspiration for new MTM chapters. So without further ado, Carlyle productions proudly present...Merlin Text Messages Chapter Eleven!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Arthur**: Merlin!

**Merlin**: Arthur...?

**Arthur**: Is there an actual reason why you hate me, or is it just generic?

**Merlin**: um...you treat me like crap, for one thing. why do you ask?

**Arthur**: Because after you told Gwen about my non-existent collection of care bears, she's been giving them to me.

**Merlin**: I am dying.

**Arthur**: It isn't funny, Merlin!

* * *

**Lancelot**: Merlin! These gelatin treats you brought me from the future are absolutely amazing!

**Merlin**: oh, the marshmallows? Ur welcome

**Lancelot**: Merlin. You have made my life complete.

**Merlin**: glad you think so.

**Merlin**: say, have you seen gwen around anywhere?

**Lancelot**: can't say I have.

**Lancelot**: Although my face is covered in marshmallow fluff and I think I have some in my eyes, so I'm not particularly reliable in that field at the moment.

**Merlin**: I'd be pissed off if this wasn't the funniest thing in the world.

**Lancelot**: funniest thing in the world? That would actually be the auto-correct plague.

**Merlin**: you havent had it yet.

**Merlin**: if you had, you wouldn't be laughing.

**Lancelot**: Just because you have magic doesn't mean you have to turn it on. Ahem.

**Merlin**: actually, I'm fairly surprised at the amount of self-restraint I've shown with this.

**Lancelot**: I'm screwed.

**Merlin**: as soon as I get bored, yes.

* * *

**Arthur**: noticing anything?

**Merlin**: such as?

**Arthur**: Well, there's not any apocalyptic problems going on right now.

**Merlin**: I'm going to reevaluate my life. Bye.

**Gwen**: I think I may join you.

**Arthur**: I'm serious! Look around.

**Merlin**: looking...

**Gwen**: guess ur right. No trips to the future

**Merlin**: or colorful kings

**Gwen**: ...or colorful dragons

**Merlin**: or donkey ears

**Arthur**: Or evil sorcerers...

**Merlin**: or the auto coconut plague...

**Gwen**: or llamas wearing hats...

**Arthur**: ?

**Merlin**: oh, yeah...

**Merlin**: haha. I remember that.

**Arthur**: I don't. :(

**Merlin**: need-to-know basis Arthur. Need-to-know basis.

**Gwaine**: how come I wasn't invited to this little party?

**Gwaine**: I like complaining about stuff too.

**Gwen**: get the hell out

**Gwaine**: Gwen?!

**Gwen**: I mean it Gwaine. Haul ur sorry ass out of here

**Gwaine**: what did I ever do to u?

**Gwen**: u burned down times square and half of Disney world.

**Merlin**: safety warning. Kids, don't try this at home.

**Gwaine**: would that be referring to burning down theme parks in the future or pissing off Guinevere?

**Merlin**: yes.

* * *

**Lancelot**: MERLIN!

**Merlin**: LANCELOT!

**Merlin: **What is it?

**Lancelot**: I need u to use ur magic to track down Gwaine.

**Lancelot**: he's probably headed for the border by now.

**Lancelot**: maybe he's left the country!

**Merlin**: oh god. What did he do?

**Lancelot**: he stole my marshmallows!

**Merlin**: all of them?

**Lancelot**: yes

**Merlin**: brave man

**Lancelot: **:(

**Merlin**: don't worry, lance. I'll track down ur marshmallow thief.

* * *

**Merlin**: he's running towards the forest with a bag clenched in his fist and cackling like a maniac

**Merlin**: and his eyes

**Merlin**: oh, god, his eyes

**Merlin**: they were soulless, lancelot. Glittering like he was carrying a bag of gold.

**Lancelot**: he is carrying a bag of gold. Theyre my marshmallows!

**Merlin**: but he was terrifying. I can't defeat the power of marshmallows. Not even with magic.

**Lancelot**: so what do we do?

**Merlin**: the only thing we can do.

**Merlin**: run in circles and flail like chickens with our heads cut off.

**Lancelot**: IT'S NOT WORKING!

**Merlin**: ...because it was a joke.

**Merlin**: maybe I can find u a replacement?

**Lancelot**: such as?

**Merlin**: nutella?

**Lancelot**: doesn't sound very appetizing.

**Merlin: **good because I didnt plan on sharing mine

**Merlin**: what about ice cream?

**Lancelot**: can u say brain freeze?

**Merlin**: brain freeze.

**Merlin**: uh...skittles?

**Lancelot**: what r skittles?

**Merlin**: excellent.

**Merlin**: wait just one moment.

* * *

**Lancelot**: MERLIN, THESE RAINBOW CANDIES YOU GOT ME ARE AMAZING.

**Merlin**: glad you think so.

**Lancelot**: I thought marshmallows completed my life.

**Lancelot**: but I was wrong, Merlin.

**Lancelot**: so very wrong.

**Merlin**: well, enjoy them. I'll deal with Gwaine later.

* * *

**Arthur**: I think I should probably aid Gaius in finding you professional help, Merlin.

**Merlin**: I see your mind is back to normal.

**Arthur**: Yes. No thanks to you.

**Arthur**: but what have you done?!

**Merlin**: to what are you referring?

**Arthur**: Lancelot is running through the halls screeching "taste the rainbow" and throwing colored pellets of sugar at everyone.

**Merlin**: ...ah. and? Anything else?

**Arthur**: Leon found Gwaine in the forest.

**Merlin**: ...

**Arthur**: He had been turned into a marshmallow.

**Merlin**: I can assure you I have no idea what you're talking about

**Arthur**: We'll see if that's still your opinion after you spend the day in the stocks.

**Merlin**: Tell me you're joking.

**Arthur: **I never joke about rotten vegetables, Merlin.

* * *

**Merlin**: It's been five hours and I'm still picking rotten tomato out of my hair.

**Gwaine**: oh yeah? Try being turned into gelatin.

**Gwaine**: what kind of person puts protective hexes on a bag of marshmallows anyway?!

**Merlin**: I do.

**Gwaine**: I ate one. Just one.

**Merlin**: The idea is to stop you from eating _any_.

**Gwaine**: u suck.

**Merlin**: I know.

**Arthur**: I think we _all_ know.

**Gwen**: everyone is painfully aware of that fact.

**Morgana**:

**Uther**: oh shoehorns. I catch torn the alabaster company offer.

**Merlin**: O.O

**Gwen**: did we never...?

**Arthur**: :)

**Merlin**: what are you smiling about?

**Uther**: yokes. Itch nappy gums.

**Arthur**: Best. Day. Ever.

* * *

**That was rather fun, if I do say so myself. I just realized that no one ever turned off Uther's Auto-Correct. Oops! It's a party now. And Morgana's back. Things should be interesting from here on out. Anyone want to suggest a relevant plot point? They're an endangered species in the jungles of my mind. Also...how would you guys feel if I did one of these for ABC's Once Upon a Time...and/or The Avengers?**

**That is all.**

**-K. A. Carlyle**


	12. Chapter 12

**Um. Okay. **

**First off, I'd like to apologize for not updating sooner. I've been running out of ideas and it's very sad! But I know what I'm doing for the next chapter now, so it should be a much quicker update that this one.**

**I'm also working on an Avengers Text Messages, for those of you that were interested. I'm limiting the number of chapters on that one, though. Maybe ten or so. I don't want to end up with an indefinite number like with this one. I've got to keep myself sane somehow. **

**I'd also like to mention that I know Merlin can ride a horse. BUT THIS IS WHAT CRACKFICS ARE ALL ABOUT! Falsified information is good. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Lancelot: **Let me get something straight here: I heard you were teaching merlin how to...uh..

**Arthur: **Ride a horse?

**Lancelot: **Ride a horse.

**Gwaine: **you're telling me he never learned?

**Merlin: **I feel so loved right now

**Merlin: **thank you so much guys

**Merlin: **the love just _flows_

**Arthur: **shut up merlin

**Lancelot: **you're not joking?

**Arthur: **decidedly not

**Gwaine: **what does he have against horses?

**Arthur: **how is it you put it, Merlin?

**Merlin: **they're dangerous at both ends

**Merlin: **and crafty in the middle

**Lancelot: **lol

**Merlin: **you don't know the half of it.

**Merlin: **I just got an amazing idea

* * *

**Gwen: **what are you guys doing?

**Merlin: **long story

**Lancelot: **you should join us!

**Gwen: **no seriously I want to know what you guys are doing

**Merlin: **having a Future Movie night.

**Gwen: **?

**Arthur: **I didn't get it either.

**Lancelot: **after merlin graciously dedicated roughly three hours of his day to explaining the concept of film to us, we decided to have a movie night so we could understand the future better

**Arthur: **And, of course, after we had explained to my father that 'Movie Magic' wasn't real magic.

**Gwaine: **I think he gets it, but it was hard to understand 90% of it

**Gwaine: **what with the auto correct and all

**Gwen: **you guys haven't turned that off yet? O:

**Merlin: **y change a strategy that works

**Arthur: **Amen to that!

**Merlin: **Movie choices anyone?

**Gwaine: **whats the little mermaid...?

**Merlin: **No

**Arthur: **Um...what is 'Harry Potter'?

**Merlin: **no

**Merlin: **any _good_ ideas?

**Gwen: **this one looks good

**Merlin: **what's it called?

**Gwen: **'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'

**Merlin: **ah, a classic.

**Merlin: **are we in agreement?

**Gwaine: **no

**Merlin: **GO WATCH DISNEY MOVIES IN THE BASEMENT GWAINE NO ONE FREAKING CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS

**Gwaine: **D':

**Merlin: **or go burn someone expendable.

**Lancelot: **it'll make you feel better.

**Gwaine: **(:

**Uther: **YOYO CANISTER TORN IT ARBOR DAY?!

**Merlin: **...and it's officially a party now.

* * *

**Gaius: **how did the movie night go, merlin?

**Merlin: **terribly!

**Gaius: **what happened?

**Merlin: **well, Arthur kept guessing what was going to happen, and 99% of the time he was right

**Merlin: **so that spoiled it for everyone

**Gaius: **there isn't enough of a plot in that movie for him to spoil, Merlin.

**Merlin: **not now gaius im ranting!

**Merlin: **anyway. somehow gwaine managed to complain about everything that went on in the movie because he didnt want to watch it

**Gaius: **oh, my...

**Merlin: **then my phone kept going off because the dragon started texting me and I couldn't turn off the ringer volume because I think he was blocking it with magical shit

**Gaius: **Is _that _all?

**Merlin: **no wait it gets better

**Merlin: **about 90% of the way through the movie uther turned up like 'o noes its magic guyz we'z all gonna diez' and he flipped out and knocked over the table with the tv on it and everything

**Gaius: **O_O

**Merlin: **then he chased us all out screeching about youtube being the only magic allowed in the kingdom.

**Gaius: **what now?!

**Merlin: **OMFG BACKSTORY TIME

* * *

_[Merlin's 'backstory' from several weeks earlier:]_

**Merlin: **I've discovered something horrible, Arthur

**Arthur: **What?

**Merlin: **It's called slash fiction.

**Arthur: **I repeat...what?

**Merlin: **Here's a link

**Arthur: **It says I'm not authorized.

**Merlin: **Authorized? Authorized for what?

**Arthur: **To see the future.

**Arthur: **Merlin, is there something you should be telling me...?

**Merlin: **...Morgana's an evil sorceress.

**Arthur: **Well, we know that. That was determined a few weeks ago.

**Arthur: **Remembeer? She ran away like ages ago with her creeper sister.

**Arthur: **True story

**Merlin: **"Remembeer"? Srysly? What does ur auto correct have against u?

**Arthur: **What do _you_ have against vowels?!

**Uther**: I've discovered a kind of magic that must be made legal, Arthur.

**Arthur: **Hello to you too, father.

**Merlin**: now it's a party.

**Arthur: **What magic would that be?

**Uther: **Merlin says its called YouTube.

**Arthur: **It's called what now?

**Merlin: **Arthur, you're not authorized to c the future.

**Merlin: **Remembeer?

**Merlin: **Hello

* * *

**Gaius: **am I supposed to be seeing something?

**Merlin: **of course not. It's a flashback.

**Gaius: **okay. Just checking.

**Arthur: **Merlin. What did you do?

**Merlin: **many things. What specifically

**Arthur: **lancelot. Phone. Now.

**Merlin: **oh, yeah. That.

**Merlin: **oops.

* * *

**Arthur: **I'm amazed at the amount of self-restraint I've shown with him over the years.

**Gwen: **I'm sure.

**Arthur: **You have no idea how hard it is not to lock him in that TARDIS of his and send him to some random planet.

**Gwen: **The thought's honestly crossed my mind

**Arthur: **Good. So I'm not crazy?

**Gwen: **I never said that

**Merlin: **yeah, you're definitely crazy. Maybe we can share a cell in the asylum

**Arthur: **Excuse me while I go put out a hiring sign for a job.

**Merlin: **really? what job?

**Arthur: **Yours.

**Gwen: **I just remembered I left the iron on at home

**Merlin: **o.e

**Arthur: **And I suddenly have a moment to myself.

**Arthur: **...

**Arthur: **...

**Arthur: **...

**Arthur: **:)

**Merlin: **(:

**Arthur: **GTFO

**Merlin: **I will now answer to genius.

**Merlin: **and you said it would never catch on. Tsk tsk...

* * *

**No more eating chocolate before I write these things. XP**

**I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!**

**- Carlyle**


	13. Chapter 13

**I had a Hershey's bar just now, so...you have been warned. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Gwen: **psst. Hey.

**Gwen: **merthur.

**Gwen: **hello?

**Merlin: **excuse me

**Arthur: **What did you just call me?

**Gwen: **Well, it's easier than calling both of you.

**Gwen: **think about how long it takes to type out 'arthur and merlin'

**Gwen: **hence merthur

**Arthur: **That explanation wasted so much more time than typing our names would have.

**Gwen: **I know but I seriously just wanted to use it

**Merlin: **it's stupid

**Gwen: **leave me alone merlin I do what I want

**Arthur: **...

**Merlin: **so whats going on then?

**Gwen: **well, uther's ranting on to the knights about youtube or sumthing?

**Merlin: **go on...

**Gwen: **but when he wouldn't let them leave in the middle of his rant, gwaine 'accidentally' threw this apple he had been eating at uther

**Gwen: **which was ironic because there just happened to be this guy walking thru the room with a basket full of apples

**Gwen: **so the knights all started having an apple fight.

**Gwen: **then uther joined in singing songs from youtube videos, as he put it.

**Arthur: **And I wasn't invited? I'd LOVE the chance to throw apples at my father.

**Gwen: **well, no. But I've got screenshots of their entire conversation from gwaine if ud like 2 c.

**Merlin: **wait...they were texting during all of this?

**Gwen: **I suppose talking is hard when ur getting hit in the face by apples.

**Merlin: **fair point. Carry on.

**Arthur: **Yes. Let's see them, then.

**Gwen: **very well. Enjoy them.

**Gwen: **also...whoever turned on lancelot's auto-correct, ur my new favorite person alive

**Merlin: **omg

**Arthur: **Aww shit.

* * *

_[The apple fight conversation:]_

**Gwaine: **no uther im sorry I didn't mean it

**Lancelot: **kipper

**Lancelot: **?

**Uther: **Artichoke!

**Leon: **Does he mean attack? Attack who?

**Mordred: **Oh crap.

**Percival: **wtf Gwaine? Y did u throw an apple at me?

**Gwaine: **APPLE FIGHT

**Uther: **Nano! stork it!

**Leon: **I've always wondered what it would be like to be in an apple fight.

**Leon: **Really. It's my greatest ambition.

**Mordred: **?

**Leon: **It's sarcasm. How am I doing with it? I haven't used it before.

**Percival: **It's MY greatest ambition to actually be included in something!

**Lancelot: **FUDGE

**Gwaine: **omg best day ever

**Gwaine: **OUCH UTHER WHAT THE F-

**Leon: **This will be one of those things that's fun to look back on.

**Mordred: **but not while it's happening?

**Mordred: **Ouch gwaine that was my nose!

**Leon: **No. Not even remotely now.

**Uther:**NYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNY ANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNAYNNAYNNYANNYANNYANNYAN NYANNYANNYANNYAN

**Lancelot: **Ice hatters appalachians

**Percival: **should I be concerned?

**Elyan: **GAH APPLE JUICE

**Mordred: **I think my nose is broken...

**Mordred: **and you should have been concerned a long time ago.

**Leon: **FOR CAMEOLT

**Gwaine: **I think you mean for camelot.

**Gwaine: **unless you've suddenly switched allegiances without my knowledge

**Uther: **Iftar yoyo havoc, OFFER WITCH HISSING HEADROOM

**Gwaine: **He's so creepy!

**Uther: **Dodo the creepers

**Uther: **:)

**Leon: **Why are my eyes burning?

**Mordred: **I think I'm bleeding

**Gwaine: **I like apples

**Uther: **CAAAAARRRRRLLLLLL

**Percival: **okay, seriously how did autocorrect not get that.

**Elyan: **Beats me.

**Gwaine: **I think we're done here...

**Lancelot: **idolizing my feet

**Mordred: **I'd be laughing if it didn't make my nose hurt!

**Gwaine: **in hindsight, perhaps this was an ill-advised idea

**Uther: **it's the lovely elderly couple in 2B

**Gwaine: **uhm

**Uther: **CHARLES BITING MINERS FINGER

**Elyan: **enough

**Mordred: **I will never eat another apple again.

**Gwaine: **NO APPLES ARE THE GREATEST

**Gwaine: **but...im somewhat inclined to agree

**Leon: **No one tells arthur.

_[End Conversation Screenshots]_

* * *

**Gwaine: **GWEN

**Gwen: **Hello 2 u 2

**Gwaine: **Arthur's really pissed at me

**Gwen: **oh. Imagine that.

**Gwaine: **I know its ur fault, too. Way to forward those messages to him after I told u not to!

**Gwen: **oh, THOSE were the messages I wasn't supposed to forward. My...bad...

**Gwen: **heh. :)

**Gwaine: **I don't find this as amusing as you do, Guinevere.

**Gwen: **damn.

**Gwen: **they never do.

**Gwaine: **We're all so screwed!

**Mordred: **Arthur's gonna re-break my nose for this...

**Merlin: **and I'm not healing it again with magic this time

**Gwaine: **youve got magic?!

**Merlin: **aww shit

**Gwaine: **?!

**Merlin: **what tipped you off? Did it have anything to do with the cell phones? Maybe it was the TARDIS? Oh, here's an idea. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I conjured youtube and a television into this very castle just last week.

**Gwaine: **I was joking. Everyone knows about it merlin

**Gwaine: **except maybe arthur and apparently uther.

**Merlin: **that I can believe.

**Gwaine: **if you'll excuse me. Arthur keeps threatening me via text to sic his father's dragon on me for starting an apple war in the throne room

**Gwen: **id bet he'd do it.

**Merlin: **I wouldnt put it past him...

**Gwaine: **I suppose this is what friends are for, huh?

**Gwen: **you mean providing demeaning moral support in times of crisis?

**Merlin: **oh, undoubtedly

**Gwaine: **thank you all so much.

**Leon: **Is this sarcasm again?

**Merlin: **Yes, leon. I do believe it is.

* * *

**Kilgharrah: **MERLIN

**Merlin: **sup

**Kilgharrah: **I text you for two days straight. I call you and leave twenty-three voicemails. I scream into your head until my mind aches. Yet, all you can say after all that time is "'sup"?

**Merlin: **My humblest apologies, great dragon.

**Merlin: **What is up, o great and mighty shit-spewer?

**Kilgharrah: **never mind. I've just remembered why I never try to talk to you.

**Merlin: **:)

* * *

**Quick update! I'm proud of myself. And I keep coming up with ideas for new chapters. So you can expect more quick updates soon. **

**Although, I'm running out of chocolate. So I don't know how long this streak will last! **

** - Carlyle**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello again, everyone! **

**Unfortunately, I'm getting massive Writer's Block with both of my new Avengers stories. **

**The good news being that I'm getting so many amazing ideas for this. (Seriously, I can't wait to post the next few chapters. :D )**

**I can't remember if there is ever snow in Camelot, but...we're just assuming that there hasn't been any yet. **

**I can sense your confusion. Just...read and you'll see. **

**Enjoy Responsibly.**

* * *

**Arthur: **WHAT

**Arthur: **WHAT

**Arthur: **WHAT IS GOING ON

**Gwen: **oh. U mean the thing outside?

**Merlin: **on earth we call it snow

**Arthur: **It never snows here!

**Merlin: **well apparently now it does

**Gwaine: **Problem, Arthur?

**Arthur: **I hate snow.

**Merlin: **good to know.

**Gwen: **(:

**Arthur: **Seriously, guys.

**Arthur: **I'm staying in here until it melts.

* * *

**Uther: **Arteries.

**Arthur: **Yes, father?

**Uther: **Walnut are yoke dingdong interior?

**Arthur: **I don't like the snow, father.

**Arthur: **What kind of a question is that? I spend plenty of time inside.

**Uther: **Noses...

**Arthur: **Whatever, father. I'm just spending a day in the castle until it melts.

**Uther: **Ick commandeer yoyo to goliath outsider.

**Arthur: **Not to sound rude, but...

**Arthur: **Or what?

**Uther: **Yoko donut wanton toto Knowles.

**Arthur: **I figure I probably don't.

**Merlin: **I love how the auto cucumber has been on for so long that you can officially translate it

**Arthur: **I speak many languages, Merlin.

**Arthur: **For instance, I had to learn how to speak dollophead when I hired you as a servant.

**Arthur: **Unwillingly.

**Merlin: **good times...

**Arthur: **Get out.

**Merlin: **Same to u! get outside that is

**Arthur: **I shall. But later.

**Merlin: **you lie

**Arthur: **GO AWAY, MERLIN

**Merlin: **I am no longer afraid of your grammatical errors, arthur! I am free of my grammar fears

**Arthur: **Is that supposed to mean something to me?

**Merlin: **go outside and be freed of your snow fears

**Arthur: **I am not _AFRAID_ of snow, Merlin

**Merlin: **then where has your punctuation gone

**Merlin: **perhaps you lost it in the snow?

**Arthur: **That's it. I'm going outside.

* * *

**Arthur: **HOLY SH-

**Merlin: **GET HIM!

**Merlin: **ADVANCE, MY BITCHES

**Gwen: **Id like to discuss the team name

**Uther: **I don't think you're strictly allowed to refer to me as one of your 'bitches'

**Merlin: **I turned off your auto correct. U owe me

**Merlin: **ur majesty

**Arthur: **WHAT THE HELL

**Merlin: **ah yes

**Merlin: **arthur.

**Merlin: **enjoying the snow?

**Arthur: **OH MY GOD IT'S IN MY EYES

**Gwen: **I think ambushing him with snowballs the moment he walked outside was a bad idea on ur part, merlin

**Gwaine: **like hell it was

**Lancelot: **thistle goat needed it

**Mordred: **You kidding? This is the most fun I've had in years.

**Percival: **YOU FINALLY LET ME IN ON SOMETHING. I'M SO HAPPY!

**Leon: **This is hilarious!

**Arthur: **IS EVERYONE HERE NOW?!

**Merlin: **pretty much

**Gwaine: **gaius couldn't make it. Arthritis acting up from the cold and all

**Merlin: **we invited morgana under a truce, but she declined because she had to go sack another kingdom or something today.

**Merlin: **she sends her best wishes, though

**Arthur: **WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

**Gwen: **ur afraid of snow and its the greatest thing ever

**Arthur: **NO

**Merlin: **there is just something about watching the prince of camelot being pelted with snowballs that makes the heart sing

**Arthur: **ur fired

**Merlin: **D:

**Uther: **not true. I gave him the job, and I can take it away. Not you.

**Arthur: **FATHER...

**Uther: **This is the greatest laugh I've had in years. Also...he turned off my auto correct when you wouldn't. So that makes him my new best friend.

**Merlin: **who are my bitches now

**Arthur: **I'm going inside.

**Merlin: **NO WAIT

**Merlin: **AAAARRRRTTTTHHHHUUUUUUURRRRR

**Gwen: **they're totally a bromance

**Gwaine: **oh totally

* * *

**Merlin: **I just realized that you weren't using correct grammar through most of the Great Snowball Incident

**Arthur: **Snow in your eyes, nose, and phone circuitry don't lend well to texting.

**Arthur: **Also, you've named it the Great Snowball Incident?

**Merlin: **it was that or the Great Snowball Fiasco

**Merlin: **but I liked Incident better

**Arthur: **I'm leaving now. Thanks.

**Merlin: **NO WAIT

**Merlin: **is it not your birthday in a few days?

**Arthur: **That it is, Merlin.

**Merlin: **so I take it we're not celebrating by having a snowball fight?

**Arthur: **Good-bye, Merlin.

**Merlin: **this snow thing isn't over!

* * *

**Gaius: **ever feel like you've missed something important just...because something else came up?

**Merlin: **Can't say I have.

**Merlin: **that might be because I've got a TARDIS now though. I miss nothing

**Gaius: **I feel like I missed something major, Merlin. You asked me if I could help you prepare a surprise for Arthur earlier and I couldn't. I must have missed out on something important.

**Merlin: **thats okay gaius. theres always next time.

**Gaius: **Was he at least surprised?

**Merlin: **Oh yes, gaius. He was very surprised.

* * *

**Merlin: **I was just reading over our last few conversations.

**Merlin: **it's funnier to read over them after they've happened.

**Gwen: **it really is!

**Merlin: **so I was just thinking...my phone never deletes old messages.

**Gwen: **mine doesn't either.

**Merlin:** what if they're somehow preserved until the future? Someone might find our messages and publish them online or something.

**Gwen: **merlin, that's rubbish.

**Merlin: **I know. Funny, though.

**Gwen: **hardly!

**Arthur: **Merlin, stop having imagination.

**Merlin: **Like you'd know anything about imagination.

**Arthur: **considering I'm the soon-to-be king of Camelot and it's my birthday tomorrow, I would be a little nicer to me.

**Merlin: **You're so old now!

**Gwen: **merlin. He's like 25.

**Merlin: **shut up gwen

**Merlin: **anyway is that a grey hair?

**Merlin: **hello

**Morgana: **

**Gwen: **wtf

**Merlin: **Welcome to my daily life.

* * *

**Seriously, no more letting me write things when I need to vent explosive-ness. It comes out like this. .**

**More soon,**

**- Carlyle**


	15. Chapter 15

**I had so much fun with the translator this time around. Seriously, I haven't laughed harder at my own ridiculousness through the entire fic. I hope you enjoy this one...even if you never do get to see how it happened. ;)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Merlin: **Lance? y r u crawling around on the floor and sniffing like a mouse?

**Lancelot: **I lost my skittles.

**Merlin: **I think u mean marbles.

**Lancelot: **maybe that too

* * *

**Merlin: **Happy belated birthday, Arthur

**Arthur: **Why are you saying that? You remembered it yesterday.

**Arthur: **Also I'd like to apologize for that piñata incident last night.

**Merlin: **No, its fine. Still can't believe u didnt stop hitting me tho when u realized I wasn't the piñata

**Arthur: **You were like a piñata. Easily confused. Except that it was blood instead of candy.

**Merlin: **I'm mildly concerned for ur sanity.

**Lancelot**: More than mildly.

**Merlin: **Says the man I found crawling across the grounds screeching 'where did my rainbow go'

**Lancelot**: ...

**Gwen: **I'm so glad that I live here.

**Mordred: **That makes two of us!

* * *

**Lancelot**: holy shit Merlin what did you do?

**Merlin**: what is it this time?

**Merlin**: actually, never mind. I know what.

**Arthur**: Salut, mes amis.

**Gwen**: say what now?!

**Arthur**: ah, ma chère Guinevere.

**Gwen**: pardonnez-moi. Dit quoi maintenant?!

**Merlin**: u speak French?

**Gwen**: ud be surprised

**Merlin**: if anyone's interested to know what happened...

**Lancelot**: Not really.

**Gwen**: No.

**Arthur**: Je ne comprends pas.

**Merlin**: why not? D:

**Lancelot**: it's getting old Merlin. Just keep it to yourself.

**Gwen**: what do u bet he secretly wants to tell us what he did?

**Merlin**: Gwen that's ridiculous.

**Gwen**: o is it?

**Merlin**: yes. Point is, Arthur's mind is now stuck on French.

**Gwen**: so how do we understand him if he doesn't speak English?

**Merlin**: u doubt me.

**Merlin**: o ye of little faith.

**Gwen**: what?

**Merlin**: I thought u didn't want to hear what I had to say?

**Gwen**: srsly I can taunt u in French.

**Merlin**: ya right.

**Gwen**: tu es un imbécile.

**Gwen**: now tell me before I taunt you a second time.

**Merlin**: I'm both proud and terrified by that use of quotation.

**Lancelot**: I think that's actually good. Take it and run with it gwen.

**Gwen**: tell me Merlin.

**Merlin**: fine.

**Merlin**: I installed my little friend onto his phone. As soon as I activate it, messages even in french will be in English. Mostly.

**Lancelot**: little friend?

**Merlin**: I call it Google Translate.

**Lancelot**: u mentioned this once.

**Gwen**: u said that it didn't work!

**Merlin**: oh, it doesn't.

**Merlin**: it's like auto cucumber but a million times better.

**Merlin**: translation begins now.

**Merlin: **Also srsly guys?! Can't I tell you what happened

**Merlin: **even a little?

**Merlin: **screw you all.

* * *

**Arthur**: we are the anything to do new York stay calm and I love you.

**Merlin**: it's working! :)

**Arthur**: I take a lot of drugs, as you may have noticed

**Merlin**: umm.

**Arthur**: but did your cat know that children are not required?

**Merlin**: I shall let him know.

**Mordred**: I can sense the need for screenshots.

**Uther**: AND I SHALL MAKE THEM YOUTUBE VIDEOS

**Merlin**: what has my life become even

**Arthur**: we are leadership, not fighter aircrafts.

**Merlin**: I'll keep that in mind.

**Arthur**: Certain bags do not wish to be leaders!

**Merlin**: I would imagine so, yes.

**Uther**: what have you done to my son?

**Merlin**: ah. Uhh. Hmm.

**Merlin**: dropped him on his head a few times?

**Merlin**: Sire.

**Uther**: as long as there's a reasonable explanation for all of this.

**Merlin**: certainly!

**Gwen**: never turn off the translator.

**Gwaine**: EVER, PLEASE.

**Mordred**: I've changed my mind about fulfilling my destiny and killing Arthur. This is way too amusing.

**Merlin**: google translate really brings us together, doesn't it?

**Uther**: this shall go on YouTube.

**Merlin**: excellent.

**Merlin**: Arthur? Any input?

**Arthur**: my nose hair ate the kingdom.

**Merlin**: brilliant.

**Arthur: **i have a problem with vegetables swimming

**Merlin: **oh yeah. i hate that.

**Arthur: **Indeed! Bright lights than ever before and after killing. Boiling point 2% every time I see your face.

**Merlin: **mmm.

**Arthur: **My anger was at the bottom of the IRA and other cats.

**Gwen: **Was it now?

**Merlin: **D: NO YOU JUST INTERRUPTED MY COMMENTARY

**Gwen: **yolo

**Merlin: **?!

**Gwaine: **you of all people don't understand the text talk

**Arthur: **Goose removal wants dreadlocks.

**Arthur: **All critics say I am dwarf, with a view to me. Homunculus.

**Merlin: **no more i cant breathe

**Arthur: **what is bonkadonk

**Merlin: **my guess is as good as yours, mate.

**Gwen: **aww.

**Lancelot: **friendly bromantic banter is the meaning of life.

**Merlin: **y do i still hang out around you all. rlly. there's gotta be some mental risks of being around the insane for too long.

**Uther: **:)

**Morgana: **

**Merlin: **YES, THANK YOU! THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY POINT FOR ME!

**Gwen: **ah the magic of camelot

**Lancelot: **and auto correct.

**Merlin: **No. Google Translate is auto correct on steroids.

**Uther: **DID SOMEONE SAY MAGIC

**Merlin: **oh way to go gwen

* * *

**Merlin: **So, i have this funny story...

**Gwen: **still no merlin

**Merlin: **damn it guys! its a really good story

**Gwaine: **we can't leave you to your own devices when story-telling. everything just goes up in flames

**Gwen: **that was very punny gwaine

**Gwaine: **thank you, gwen. that warms my heart.

**Gwaine: **Yes. punber two.

**Merlin: **everyone in this whole damn castle has too many issues

**Gwen: **Says the magic-wielding servant of the prince and king who persecute sorcerers

**Merlin: **shut up gwen

**Merlin: **did i ever tell you the story of the time Arthur started speaking french...?

**Gwaine: **good bye, merlin

**Gwen: **not going to listen

**Merlin: **but

**Merlin: **but

**Merlin: **but

**Merlin: **but

**Gwen: **this guy's got more nervous ticks than a lyme disease research facility.

**Merlin: **but

**Gwen: **so that happened.

* * *

**I...uh...what? What ****_did _****just happen? **

**-.-**

**That is my not-impressed-with-the-way-my-mind-works face. It comes out a lot. **

**I kinda turned off Lancelot's auto-correct for this one. Oops. I was going to have a whole chapter dedicated to it. So...I guess it'll be back next time. We'll just pretend it was on the whole time. ;)**

**More soon!**

**- Carlyle**


	16. Chapter 16

**I will not bore you with tons of prelude stuff. Just going to let you know that I'm proud of myself for churning out one of my longest chapters yet! Hooray for more Merlin! And as always, thank you to my awesome reviewers. Shadow-strike, Whispering Echoes, TruffleHead...everyone. You've all been so supportive. :)**

**Here is the newest chapter. Enjoy it. But...responsibly.**

* * *

**Merlin: **this translator is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

**Arthur: **I can offer a private bathroom?

**Merlin: **yes, arthur. Yes, you can.

**Gwen: **srsly merlin, u should turn it off. Give the poor guy a break.

**Merlin: **Gwen, gwen, gwen...

**Merlin: **you will never truly understand the subtle art that is revenge on arthur

**Gwen: **-.-

**Merlin: **oh all right. I'll turn it off.

**Arthur: **lighting my eyebrows on fire.

**Merlin: **...tomorrow.

* * *

**Merlin: **How's the English language going?

**Arthur: **Never mind that. Gwaine met a girl at the tavern!

**Merlin: **Wondrful. I'm supposed to b concerned about this y?

**Arthur: **Because, MERLIN...

**Arthur: **...I stole his phone when he wasn't looking and changed the number she gave him into the number on my old phone.

**Merlin: **O u mean the 1 u had b4 I got u the iPhone 4 ur bday?

**Arthur: **The very same.

**Merlin: **So...point being?

**Arthur: **I can now screw with Gwaine's head to the highest degree.

**Arthur: **This will be so much fun.

* * *

**Merlin: **have you thought of a name for this girl you're pretending to be?

**Arthur: **No...

**Merlin: **well, if there wasn't one in the contact information you hacked into, you'll need to think one up.

**Arthur: **Brilliant deduction! And I suppose it will have to be a girl's name, as well?

**Merlin: **well yes, it- HEY.

**Arthur: **:)

**Merlin: **so anyway. Know any girl's names?

**Arthur: **...yes

**Merlin: **other than Gwen or Morgana.

**Merlin: **or Vivian, or Katherine, or any of the other women that have visited over the years. You need something good.

**Arthur: **Molly.

**Merlin: **Too twenty first century.

**Arthur: **Lexi.

**Merlin: **see above text.

**Merlin: **also, not all girls' names have to end in an 'I' or "Y".

**Merlin: **do you even know any girls?

**Merlin: **and gwen and morgana don't count.

**Arthur: **...

**Merlin: **clearly you don't get out much.

**Arthur: **Well, _excuse me_ for having a first duty and responsibility to Camelot. D:

**Merlin: **consider yourself excused.

**Arthur: **I wasn't-

**Merlin: **shut up I know JUST LET ME THINK

**Arthur: **A rare occurrence.

**Gwen: **We should get popcorn.

**Merlin: **well, you can't name this girl "Camelot."

**Merlin: **why not...

**Merlin: **Camelot...Cam...ille? Camille.

**Gwen: **someone please tell me what's going on because I'm having somewhat twisted imaginings.

**Merlin: **NEED2KNOWBASIS

**Arthur: **And on that note...

**Merlin: **Allons-y!

**Gwen: **merlin. You've got quite a persistent death wish going for you.

**Arthur: **So incredibly unamused. -.-

* * *

**Morgana: **

**Morgause: **really, sister. Stop that. It's terrifying.

**Morgana: **

**Morgause: **

**Morgana: **very funny.

**Morgause: **I know.

**Morgana: **

**Morgause: **SOMETHING LESS CREEPY, PLEASE

**Morgana: **7 hours

**Morgana: **that's a lovely red cape you've got there.

**Morgana: **it would be a shame if something were to...

**Morgana: **_happen to it_

**Mordred: **why must all evil start with an M?

**Morgana: **YOU'RE NEXT, CHILD

**Morgause: **that's just how we roll here in the shire.

**Morgause: **I mean Camelot.

**Mordred: **?

**Morgause: **how are you even here? This is a private conversation.

**Mordred: **taking notes on the ways of evil.

**Morgana: **

**Mordred: **...just in case.

**Morgause: **...carry on.

* * *

**Camille/Arthur: **ahem.

**Gwaine: **hello 2 u 2

**Camille: **so tell me about yourself

**Gwaine: **I like...burning things.

**Camille: **Wow rlly? Me 2!

**Gwaine: **cool! I'll burn sumthing in ur honour if ud like

**Camille: **Yes, please! Do u know that obnoxious serving boy with the big ears and all the scarves...?

**Gwaine: **Y mean my one and only friend? Yea I've heard of him.

**Camille: **Burn him! But just a little. Don't...like...kill anyone or anything.

**Gwaine: **What makes u think I'd be ok with this?

**Camille: **Can't u just singe him a little? 4 me?

**Camille: **o3o

**Gwaine: **O alright. I'll light his pants on fire...to be ironic

**Camille: **My hero!

* * *

**Arthur: **Merlin, RUN!

**Gwaine: **FOR CAMELOT

**Gwaine: **And camille...

**Merlin: **Ack Gwaine what the hell r u doing?!

**Gwaine: **I'm in loooove Merlin! In loooove

**Merlin: **With my burning pants?!

**Gwaine: **...

**Merlin: **Put me out!

**Arthur**: Wait! I've got a bucket of icy water.

**Merlin: **No what the hell it's like the middle of January!

**Arthur**: Your point being...?

**Merlin: **I give up. I will one day cave and murder you all

**Gwaine: **Yay for genocide

**Merlin: **ACK IT'S SO FRIGGIN COLD

**Merlin: **ARTHUR I WILL KNIT YOU A SWEATER USING YOUR INTESTINES AND FEED IT TO YOUR HORSE

**Merlin: **I WILL THROW YOU IN THE MAGICAL LAKE AND WATCH YOU GET TORN TO PEICES BY MY PSYCHOTIC EX-GIRLFRIEND

**Merlin: **AND I WILL GO ALL PSYCHO-WIZARD ON ALL OF YOUR ASSES

**Arthur: **Psycho..._wizard?_

**Merlin: **ah crap

**Merlin: **the icy water. It was...messing with my mind.

**Merlin: **pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

**Merlin: **there is nothing to see here

**Merlin: **I think I'm going to pass out now

**Merlin: **I can hardly even text straight! Look at me

**Merlin: **I get most of it right, then at the end of the sentence I say the wrong cranberry.

**Arthur: **Merlin...

**Merlin: **NO! I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME

**Arthur: **Merlin, I-

**Merlin: **GAH ARTHUR LET GO OF ME IM TRYING TO RUN FOR MY LIFE

**Merlin: **HELP HELP IM BEING REPRESSED

**Arthur: **Merlin, I knew about it.

**Merlin: **OF COURSE I'M NOT A WIZARD, SIRE, I- what

**Arthur: **I'm not an idiot.

**Gwaine: **so this has been fun.

**Arthur: **...

**Gwaine: **Also, seriously arthur? CAMILLE?

**Gwen: **youz bitches consider yourselves royally BUSTED

**Merlin: **I need to go sleep.

**Merlin: **...forever. That should do the trick.

**Gwaine: **not nearly

**Uther: **I feel as if I've missed something.

**Merlin: **distract and run. On my mark. Three...two...one...

**Gwen: **HEY IS THAT CHARLIE THE UNICORN?

**Uther: **OMFG WHERE :D

**Merlin: **...and now we flee.

* * *

**Wow. That was...um. I don't know what I did to make that happen, but it certainly wasn't good. Anyone catch my Iron Man reference in there? I'd like to think it was pretty well hidden, so you super-fans (such as myself) will probably be the only ones to catch it. **

**Also, how about a round of applause for breaking 200 reviews? You guys are amazing. My tribute to you was in this chapter. I only know three of your names, so I incorporated all of them into this chapter. Hope you don't mind. I'm not saying whose names I used, though. ;)**

**Until next time, then...**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	17. Chapter 17

**So, I was Googling (wow, autocorrect recognizes that as a word?!) something Merlin-related today and was scrolling down the list of search suggestions for the word "Merlin" (I was looking for something, though at this point, I can't remember what...) and caught sight of the suggestion "Merlin Text Messages Fanfiction" pretty near the top.**

**Holy...**

**You realize I'm floating through the roof right now? My fanfic is one of the most searched Google results for "Merlin." My life is complete. Well...kinda. Just wait until I win the lottery and buy BBC. Then my life will be complete. **

**Anyway...Enjoy!**

**No...wait. Rewind a second. I'm just realizing I've never posted a disclaimer on this. Here goes: **

**I OWN MERLIN. Kidding. I must have been dreaming when that happened. But I digress...**

**"Enjoy" again! And go forth knowing this is my favorite idea yet.**

* * *

**Morgana: **When I bought that sketchy-looking "Dark Curse" from that guy in the woods last month, I didn't expect it to do this.

**Morgana: **I thought it would kill the knights of Camelot. Not...whatever this is.

**Morgana: **My least favorite creatures on the Earth...with their beady little eyes, and those ridiculous tails...

**Morgause: **oh, I know this one...

**Morgause**: you turned them all into ferrets?

**Morgana**:

**Morgause**: seriously, answer just this once.

**Morgana**: I am speechless for the first time in my life. This is...

**Morgause**: ...more beautiful than you ever could have imagined?

**Morgana**: you read my mind.

* * *

**Uther**: WHY IS THERE A SUDDEN FERRET INFESTATION IN MY THRONE ROOM?! I WAS JUST TALKING TO A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS A SECOND AGO

**Uther**: unless I was talking to the ferrets in a delusional state the whole time, in which case...yikes.

**Gaius**: they appear to be real, sire.

**Uther**: ITS LIKE YOUTUBE BARFED ALL OVER MY KINGDOM

**Merlin**: let me get this straight...someone turned all of the knights in Camelot into ferrets?

**Gwen**: I think the blonde one throwing the temper tantrum at uther's feet is Arthur

**Merlin**: I need to send flowers to whoever did this.

**Merlin**: actually...this is too much. They deserve special treatment...I'll send cupcakes, too

**Gwen**: what are cupcakes?

**Merlin**: Get out of my sight.

**Arthur**: ssascgko,oko,.opj?jbulbfdaasdfvhhmimi,cejvdxwchnkk 

**Merlin**: omg ferret claws

**Gwen**: they're like rats. They kinda creep me out.

**Gwen**: wait...they don't carry the plague or anything, right?

**Merlin**: we should lock them all in the caverns and let the dragon chase them just in case.

**Kilgharrah**: So much for a destiny protecting Arthur.

**Kilgharrah**: And just for your information, I'm not a cat, either, Merlin.

**Merlin**: Gwaine's trying to bite my ankles. Lol.

**Merlin**: OUCH! WHAT THE-

**Gwen**: oh, come on. It's just a flesh wound, merlin.

**Uther**: IT'S SO FLUFFY

**Gwen**: Uther, put the ferrets down...

**Merlin**: yeah, I don't think percival would appreciate you stroking him that way o.O

**Merlin**: and before you ask, no, they will not be acting for you in YouTube videos.

**Uther**: out of my throne room. Leave me to my ferrets.

**Gwen**: Better idea: let's leave you to your insanity and take the ferrets out of here.

* * *

**Merlin**: I suppose you're going to ask me to find a reversal spell now?

**Gaius**: Well, that was the general plan, yes, Merlin.

**Merlin**: well, too bad! I think this is a great change of pace. I don't have to shine armor for a ferret. I just change its litter box every week or so and throw it table scraps after dinner.

**Gwen**: sounding a little too much like a cat.

**Gwen**: I think you're getting your animals mixed up.

**Kilgharrah**: Yes. For instance, exhibit 'A': I am a dragon.

**Kilgharrah**: take notes.

**Mordred**: ...on the ways of evil?

**Merlin**: well, look who's supposed to be a ferret and isn't.

**Merlin**: go to your room and think about what you've done.

**Mordred**: If Morgana cast the spell, it makes perfect sense. She used to really like me when I was a kid.

**Merlin**: Morgana. Of course.

**Morgana**:

**Mordred**: Maybe negotiate with her?

**Merlin**: THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

**Merlin**: I mean Camelot.

**Merlin: **got carried away there.

**Mordred**:

**Merlin**: what are you even doing.

**Merlin**: don't even tell me you're trying to...

**Merlin**: just...don't even...

**Mordred**: It didn't work?

**Mordred**: clearly I'm getting the ways of evil all wrong.

**Merlin**: You have to be naturally creepy for the effect to work.

**Merlin**: for instance...

**Merlin**: UTHER

**Uther**: ?

**Merlin**: YouTube.

**Uther**: :)

**Mordred**: ...you bring up an excellent point.

**Merlin**: of course I do. I'm awesome.

**Mordred: **no you're not, dude. Don't lie.

* * *

**Mordred: **merlin, there's- why are there ferrets all over you?

**Merlin: **some things are best left unquestioned.

**Merlin: **also, I'm knight-sitting until gaius gets back with some herbs he needs to make a reversal potion. He figured I'd probably do a better job of chasing them down if they made a run for it than he would.

**Mordred: **is that Arthur on your head?

**Merlin: **I'd assume so, since I keep cursing his name and this thing's claws are digging into my scalp.

**Mordred: **Just put them in your room. They can't get out of there if you lock the window and close the door.

**Merlin: **as long as they don't use the TARDIS as a scratching post, I'm okay with it.

* * *

**Merlin: **NO! COME BACK! Oh, god, no...

**Gaius: **what have you done this time, Merlin?

**Merlin: **tardis full of ferrets.

**Merlin: **worst idea ever

**Gaius: **excuse me?

**Merlin: **well, mordred and I put all the ferret-knights in my room to keep them out of trouble.

**Merlin: **except, somehow they found the tardis keys?

**Gaius: **You're joking, I hope.

**Merlin: **...and the last thing I saw was Gwaine at the controls just before the door swung shut.

**Merlin: **with those beady ferret eyes!

**Gaius: **Let me try to understand this...you lost a TARDIS full of time-traveling ferrets?

**Merlin: **well, when you put it that way...

**Mordred: **...yes. That's exactly what he did.

**Merlin: **Not helping, mister "let's put the ferrets in Merlin's room"

**Merlin: **last time I listen to your brilliant ideas

**Mordred: **In my defense, you were the one that said "what's the worst that could happen?" when I started doubting myself.

**Mordred: **which, as you should know by now, are the words that sign your own death warrant.

**Merlin: **I give up. I have a TARDIS full of time-traveling ferret-knights to track down.

**Uther: **we are so not letting this opportunity pass us by

**Uther: **this will be the greatest YouTube series of all time. Prince Arthur and The Knight-Ferrets of the Blue TARDIS.

**Mordred: **Saddest part of this being that I have to go to Morgana and her creeper sister to find any sanity these days.

* * *

**I love Mordred, honestly. No one tell me if he dies at the end of Season Five, because I have TWO EPISODES TO GO. Tomorrow night is marathon night. Then the humor will not flow well for a while because I'll be all depressed after they kill off everyone with some merit. **

**I hear my favorite character dies. I mean...NO. YOU CANNOT. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW, MERLIN WRITERS. LANCELOT WILL FOLLOW YOU AROUND AND PELT YOU WITH SKITTLES ON MY ORDERS.**

**...I think that means it's about time to go. **

**Although, I'm kinda rolling across the floor laughing while reading back over this. HOORAY FOR SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION. **

**More soon. And if I forget...you have permission to spam me with a ridiculous amount of PMs telling me to get my butt in gear. **

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	18. Chapter 18

**My parents must have thought I was off my head when I came home today and announced "and now I have to go write about time-traveling ferrets."**

**Dear god, what have I done. O.o**

**At any rate, this whole ferret thing has been fun. I spent a good hour lying awake in bed last night trying to brainstorm ideas for how Merlin gets the ferret-knights back. **

**I came up pretty much empty-handed. Not gonna lie. So you get...whatever I put onto the proverbial paper first. **

**Also, anyone noticing the number of hidden YouTube references I keep making? (Here's a hint: remember this obnoxious beauty? "I'm awesome!" "No, you're not, dude, don't lie.")**

**Anyway. Here I go again, rambling on when you have crack to get to. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Gwen: **any luck tracking down Gwaine and his Merry Band of Mutant Knight Ferrets?

**Merlin: **um. Well.

**Merlin: **technically, no...

**Merlin: **but I've got all kinds of magic up my sleeve. I'm sure there's some tracking spell or something I can use.

**Gwen: **just home in on the nearest traveling blue box and go for it.

**Merlin: **well, I figured if I looked for the world's biggest ego, I'd find arthur right away.

**Merlin: **but this thing keeps locking in on some guy named "Tony Stark."

**Gwen: **who?

**Merlin: **no idea. But I'm gonna make a quick hop to the future...I'll be right back.

* * *

**Merlin: **All right, guys! Party's over! I've found you!

**Merlin: **figures gwaine would take the TARDIS to a bar.

**Merlin: **And...anti-ferret spell is a go.

**Merlin: **CONSIDER YOURSELVES FREE!

**Lancelot: **Oh, thank god...

**Leon: **How did I get here?

**Percival: **I'VE BEEN INCLUDED AGAIN!

**Gwaine: **aww man

**Merlin: **"Aww man"?! Seriously? You were a freaking FERRET.

**Merlin: **I track you down and change you back, yet all you can manage to thank me is "aww man"?!

**Gwaine: **I was a _ferret_, merlin.

**Gwaine: **the girls loved it

**Merlin: **girls also love dogs, gwaine. And dogs pee on carpets and chew through shoes.

**Merlin: **the only difference between that and a ferret is that ferrets will also steal your socks.

**Merlin: **point being that your argument is invalid.

**Gwaine: **whatever. I'm going home.

**Merlin: **k. I'll just round up the others and we can go back to the TAR-

**Merlin: **WAIT. WHERE IS IT.

**Gwaine: **don't look at me

**Merlin: **But

**Merlin: **but

**Merlin: **but

**Merlin: **it was right there! RIGHT THERE. WHO STOLE MY TARDIS. SOMEONE IS GETTING AN INTESTINE SWEATER TODAY.

**Arthur: **Gwaine, back away very slowly.

**Merlin: **aww, well LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP!

**Merlin: **if it isn't the prince of ferrets!

**Arthur: **...

**Merlin: **SILENCE, FUZZY. I'M TARDIS-TRACKING.

**Arthur: **Some guys came and started dragging it into the street when they saw it.

**Arthur: **Guessing they couldn't figure out the controls.

**Gwaine: **even i couldn't figure it out. I just punched the buttons with my claws.

**Gwaine: **controlling that thing would take a genius.

**Merlin: **damn straight.

**Gwaine: **hooray for shameless self-promotion!

**Merlin: **excuse me while I seize my first chance to go psycho-wizard.

* * *

**Merlin: **okay...all right...everyone on board...the TARDIS is leaving momentarily...gwaine, leave that poor girl alone...Arthur, the door is on _this_ side of the TARDIS, stop looking like an idiot...

**Merlin: **Great. I think that's everyone.

**Merlin: **Mission accomplished.

**Gwaine: **what's with the ferrets in the alleyway

**Merlin: **Lesson number one: never steal a TARDIS without knowing who you're dealing with.

**Gwaine: **I'll keep that in mind.

**Arthur: **Let's just go before Gwaine starts burning things again.

**Gwaine: **An excellent point! I've burned things in every location of the future except this one! I can't skip out!

**Merlin: **first time for everything.

**Arthur: **also, he's been drinking so much that I think it would be unwise to have him near an open flame.

**Merlin: **...and it's _so_ time to go.

* * *

**Merlin**: MORDRED WHY DID I FIND NOTES ON THE WAYS OF EVIL UNDER YOUR DESK

**Mordred**: Soon.

**Merlin**: what's that supposed to mean?

**Mordred**: Just in case.

**Merlin**: in case what? U decide to go evil?!

**Mordred**:

**Merlin**: le gasp! Arthuuuuurrrrrr!

* * *

**Merlin: **ARTHUR.

**Merlin: **ARTHUR.

**Merlin: **ARTHUR.

**Arthur**: Go jump off a bridge or something. I'm trying to sleep. It's like midnight.

**Merlin**: no, it's not 'like' midnight.

**Merlin**: it IS midnight.

**Merlin**: anywho...

**Gwen**: (...said no one ever)

**Merlin**: get outta here...you're not even in this conversation.

**Gwen**: can be if I want to be :P

**Arthur**: That's the spirit. You two talk while I sleep.

**Merlin**: very clever. BUT NOT CLEVER ENOUGH!

**Arthur**: Previously mentioned bridge awaits your arrival.

**Arthur**: just dont injure yourself too badly. I need you for work tomorrow.

**Merlin**: -.-

**Gwen**: best bosses of the century: Arthur pendragon

**Merlin**: Gwen. Bridge. Now.

**Gwen**: I'm getting a subtle hint here...

**Arthur**: I'm turning off the phone now...

**Merlin**: I love that u think that's a threat.

**Arthur**: u want a threat? Wait here.

**Merlin**: Gwen I'll meet u at that bridge.

**Gwen**: wtf?! Y?

**Merlin**: Arthur didn't write out the word You.

* * *

**Gwaine**: color potion you say?

**Arthur**: Yes. Make it interesting.

**Gwaine**: That I can do.

**Arthur**: how?

**Gwaine**: ...experimenting.

**Gwaine**: excuse me while I go drop some science

* * *

**Merlin**: GWAINE

**Arthur**: Picture. Now.

**Merlin**: WHERE IS HE

**Arthur**: Last I checked, out "dropping science."

**Gwen**: he pretends he's street. But he will never join the hood.

**Arthur**: ?!

**Merlin**: I have no idea. I think I might have accidentally jinxed her or something when we went to the future, 'cause notice she's been more like this ever since then.

**Arthur**: So anywho...

**Gwen**: NOBODY FREAKING SAYS THAT

**Merlin**: I can't even...

**Arthur**: Colors?

**Merlin**: No. Worse.

**Arthur**: ...?

**Merlin**: colored animal parts.

**Gaius**: [new multimedia message]

**Merlin**: I sure as hell hope there's some magic that reverses this...

**Arthur**: Let's sincerely hope not.

**Gwen**: let's take inventory, shall we?

**Arthur**: Indeed. We have...one purple pig nose...

**Gwen**: pink cat whiskers

**Arthur**: Aquamarine cow horns...

**Merlin**: Don't forget the plaid cat tail

**Gwen**: and rainbow donkey ears to top it off.

**Merlin**: false. U missed one.

**Arthur**: Which is...?

**Merlin**: no

**Merlin: **GAIUS DON'T YOU DARE

**Gaius**: Duck feet, sire.

**Merlin**: I have the sudden urge to run for the nearest pond.

**Merlin**: aww crap just noticing the frog tongue

**Arthur**: So what are you going to do now?

**Merlin**: turn Gwaine into a fly. Scuse me...

* * *

**...someone mentioned in their review that they loved how Uther went into caps lock when he was excited. The same thing kinda goes for my reviewers...and I just love that so much. XD I get a real kick out of watching you all flip out. No shame. **

**The "dropping science" thing kinda sprouted from the Big Bang Theory, which I was watching the other day with my computer on my lap and my cinnamon hot chocolate in my hand...the perfect recipe for nerdy crack-writing. And for those of you who watch Once Upon a Time, let us have a moment of silence for the Rumbelle-ers, if only because their ship - THE TITANIC OF ALL SHIPS - is rapidly sinking. **

**Now back on topic. I finally finished season five, if you were interested to know. Now excuse me while I go and curl up in a ball and whimper for a couple of hours. **

** More soon,**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	19. Chapter 19

**New longest MTM chapter! *fistpump***

**And...ah, yes. My old enemy...****_Wednesdays. _*****shudders*. I should have just stayed home today to keep my sanity relatively intact. Instead, I went to school, spent six hours doing homework this afternoon, and am at last sitting down to draft out the end of this...monstrosity. Seriously, I feel the need to apologize for this. Preemptively. It's a preemptive apology. **

**Anywho (Gwen: SAYS NO ONE)...I've been getting a bunch of people saying 'thank you' in their reviews, so I feel the need to give a collective 'you're welcome.' I do this for you guys! It makes me so happy to see that I'm making someone's day at least a little better with these chapters. I guess it's kinda a way for us to all cope with life, huh? **

**I can promise two requests fulfilled in this chapter. There are parrots...and there are cats. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Merlin: **ugh. bad day.

**Gwen: **?

**Merlin: **well...arthur kinda got really mad at me for leaving the tardis running and everything, so he stole the keys and won't give them back until the end of the week.

**Merlin: **anything to say about that?

**Gwen: **netflix is god.

**Arthur: **?

**Merlin: **...the flashbacks for that one are too disturbing for muggle eyes.

**Arthur: **?

**Merlin: **people like you

**Arthur: **What's that supposed to imply?!

**Merlin: **Highly-esteemed prats.

**Merlin: **your majesty.

**Arthur: **Whatever.

**Merlin: **sire, I feel faint.

**Arthur: **?

**Merlin: **sick. achoo.

**Arthur: **Fine. Take the rest of the afternoon off.

**Merlin: **WOOO HOOO

**Merlin: **I SWEAR SIRE YOU WON'T REGRET IT

**Merlin: **BEST. DAY. EVER.

**Gwen: **you'd think he wouldnt be so excited about fifteen minutes.

**Arthur: **It's the principle of the thing, Gwen.

**Gwen: **then who am I to judge

**Gwen: **jk I am totally one to judge

**Arthur: **As am I.

**Gwen: **extremely judge-y looks in 3...2...

**Merlin: **those have no effect on me whatsoever

**Merlin: **JOKE'S ON YOU, SUCKERS

**Gwen: **Why can't we just throw him off that cliff now and end the misery?

**Arthur: **...because it's the wrong thing to do, Gwen.

**Gwen: **I hate being morally upstanding.

**Gwen: **then again...when have you said anything like that ever

**Arthur: **I know! I made even myself laugh.

**Merlin: **I AM FREEEEEEE

**Gaius: **Merlin. I need you to help me organize some paperwork and books today.

**Merlin: **and the moment is dead.

**Arthur: **...like a duck getting shot out of the sky.

**Gwen: **or is that a guy with duck feet?

**Merlin: **not helping guys

**Merlin: **also, that reminds me...I still have to dish out revenge on gwaine!

* * *

**Merlin: **Gwen help me

**Merlin: **oh dear god, what have I done

**Gwen: **merlin it's like three in the morning.

**Merlin: **yes and I accidentally turned Gwaine into a parrot.

**Gwen: **...

**Gwen: **...

**Gwen: **omg you're joking

**Merlin: **eh no

**Gwen: **rolling on the floor. Pls get a pic

**Gwen: **can he still talk?

**Merlin: **no of course not. The idea was so he _couldn't_ talk for a few minutes.

**Gwen: **ah well then. What's the problem?

**Merlin: **...he flew through Arthur's window and now he won't come back when I call him.

**Gwen: **well, what's the problem with that? If he wants to scare the living daylights out of Arthur by...idk, landing on his head and waiting for him to wake up, then I am more than 100% fine with it

**Merlin: **I would be too...if I hadn't used my magic to determine that parrot-gwaine was in the midst of destroying virtually everything in Arthur's room and doing his best to make it look like it was my fault.

**Gwen: **pretty good for a guy with no hands.

**Gwaine: **damn straight.

**Merlin: **...and did I mention he's a very talented bird.

**Gwen: **...no, you failed to bring that one up.

**Merlin: **c'mon. let's go get him back...

* * *

**Merlin: **oh drat

**Gwen: **said no one.

**Gwen: **...EVER.

**Merlin: **no, it's the Drat.

**Gwen: **all I see is a cat, merlin.

**Gwen: **-a cat that breathes fire.

**Gwen: **should have known better with you.

**Merlin: **ouch! You hit me!

**Merlin: **what the hell was that for?!

**Gwen: **being a complete idiot. Why is there a fire-breathing cat in here?!

**Merlin: **well, the dragon told me that he wasn't a cat...

**Gwen: **oh please no

**Merlin: **...so I kinda turned him into one to prove him wrong.

**Merlin: **Dragon-cat.

**Merlin: **hence Drat.

**Gwen: **you realize what this means, merlin? You just let a massive dragon escape. When he's back to normal, he'll start terrorizing the kingdom.

**Merlin: **I've got dragon-whispering skillz and shit.

**Gwen: **you really think that those powers can withstand the wrath of an angry, fire-breathing cat?

**Merlin: **...not gonna test it. 'scuse me while I go lock this thing back in the dungeons...

**Merlin: **also, ur on ur own. Go find gwaine and get him away from arthur before he burns down all the furniture in a fit of rage.

**Gwen: **eep

* * *

**Gwen: **Gwaine?

**Gwaine: **esfmcsdiofmw; ;spss

**Gwen: **you okay?

**Gwaine: **where are you?

**Gwen: **hidin from the psycho pyromaniac bird

**Gwaine: **fair enough

**Uther: **Sneak attack, Gwen.

**Uther: **WE'VE GOTTA BE SNEAKY, CHARLIE!

**Gwaine: **?

**Gwen: **Just...don't even.

**Uther: **Why is there a parrot with matches trying to light my son's hair on fire.

**Gwen: **gasp! Gwaine, don't!

**Kilgharrah: **chomp

**Merlin: **auuggghhhh stupid good for nothing son of a -

**Kilgharrah: **rawr

**Uther: **Someone do something. I don't want Arthur's hair to go up in flames.

**Uther: **Well, actually...sounds rather amusing...

**Gwaine: **the fireworks begin in three...two...one...

**Kilgharrah: **sefwoemfsof;sefmwoec;aljdoceurbv

**Gwaine: **WHAT THE BLOODY HELL-

**Merlin: **...did I fail to mention that the dragon bit me and got away? Well, he did.

**Gwen: **you're failing to mention a lot recently. You should really start writing this stuff down

**Uther: **uploading directly to youtube: Crazy Cat vs. Pyro Parrot. Which Will Win in this Flaming Fiasco?

**Merlin: **I will never be able to unsee that

**Gwen: **I've "never been able to unsee" worse.

**Merlin: **fair point.

**Gwen: **like that one time I walked into the armory and leon and percival were-

**Merlin: **OKAY SO ANYWAY

**Merlin: **oh Drat

**Gwen: **seriously stop saying that it's not even punny

**Merlin: **I see what you tried to do there

**Gwen: **you will never be street

**Merlin: **I'm gonna have to work on that. My coolness levels are dropping.

**Gwen: **reality check: you never had any coolness levels

**Merlin: **ah, reality.

**Merlin: **a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

**Gwen: **says the man taking videos of the fire-breathing cat and match-wielding parrot as they chase each other and crash into furniture

**Merlin: **yep. True story.

**Merlin: **oh for the love of camelot uther what are you doing now

**Uther: **creepin in your windows

**Merlin: **shhh. You're gonna wake up Arthur

**Uther: **wait. Hold up.

**Uther: **Gwaine, how did you even do this?

**Gwaine: **I RIPPED THE TAG OFF A MATTRESS

**Uther: **:)

**Uther: **I have a new best friend, merlin

**Gwaine: **I'D BE CONCERNED FOR MY SAFETY IF I WASN'T ENJOYING THIS BURNING GENIUS

**Merlin: **shhh...

**Arthur: **AAAHHH

**Arthur: **WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

**Merlin: **omg

**Gwen: **should we tell him?

**Merlin: **I think he'll figure it out

**Arthur: **HALF MY HEAD IS BALD?! WHAT THE LEGITIMATE HELL

**Merlin: **I think the Drat must have hiccuped or something

**Arthur: **I'm going back to bed. Someone get the petting zoo out of my room, pour some water on the drapes because I seriously think they're on fire, and let me sleep.

**Arthur: **Also I'd better have a hat when I wake up.

**Merlin: **you won't be able to avoid the video evidence.

**Merlin: **but sure, I can find a hat.

**Gwen: **I love this place so much.

**Arthur: **What even happened to my sanity.

**Merlin: **the Drat ate it.

**Gwen: **and on that note...

**Arthur: **EVERYONE OUT.

**Arthur: **...ugh. It smells like burning hair in here.

* * *

**...I almost took out that bit about things Gwen would never be able to unsee, because some of you might get bad ideas, and I know how your minds work (mostly in very strange, very twisted ways)...so I was kinda skeptical about what some of you might get from that. (Ahem. Pearlbunny, I'm looking right at you from across town.) Anyway, I left it in because it made me laugh a little, even though I am NOT imagining anything even half as twisted as what some of you might be dreaming up. O.o**

**I am concerned for the sanity of you all, in case you were wondering. But then again, I'm concerned about myself, too. If I wasn't, this fic probably wouldn't even exist. **

**Anyway...I regret to inform you that I can't update or anything over the weekend, so expect no updates on anything until at least Monday. I'm spending Friday afternoon through Sunday evening in West Virginia (anyone here live there? Is it nice? XD), so I won't have computer access. I will, however, be able to read and reply to your reviews. Keep watch for more!**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	20. Chapter 20

**Oh, dear. I've gotten some highly interesting opinions of what was happening in that sentence of Gwen's from last chapter about Percival and Leon. You people... O.o JUST DON'T START SHIPPING IT, OKAY? That's all I ask. /knowing it won't happen why do I even try just what/ I'm going to pull a very Merlin-esque Move now: oh dear god what have I done.**

**Now, as for the new chapter, I have no more commentary. In the immortal words of Mark Ruffalo: **

**You dudes are on your own!**

***ruffaloruns***

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Merlin**: I've found a few of these adorable little things aboard the TARDIS.

**Gwen: **things? What things? Are they aliens?

**Merlin: **They appear to be.

**Uther: **THEY MUST CLEAR CUSTOMS WITH ME FIRST. DO THEY POSESS MAGICAL POWERS

**Merlin: **er...no, sire, I don't believe so.

**Uther: **carry on, then.

**Uther: **GET ON WITH IT

**Merlin: **so anyway. Theyre really cute and all

**Gwen: **don't you think they could be dangerous? They're alien life forms.

**Merlin: **c'mon, gwen. There's like four of them. They look like colored balls of fur and sound about as smart as pigeons. What's the worst that could happen?

**Arthur: **Famous last words.

* * *

**Gwen: **how's the alien-sitting going?

**Merlin: **great! The TARDIS's universal translator tells me that these things are called tribbles.

**Merlin: **also that we're breaking numerous rules of the universe by being in the same room together.

**Gwen: **cool

**Merlin: **yeah ikr.

**Merlin: **so what are you up to?

**Gwen: **not much. Arthur wants me to let you know though that he thinks we're both crazy for letting them stay here.

**Merlin: **there's nothing wrong with these things! I mean there's only...ten or so.

**Gwen: **I thought you said there were four.

**Merlin: **I did! But then I found some more in the TARDIS. Must have missed a few.

**Gwen: **whatever. Just don't get me in trouble by starting a tribble farm or anything.

**Merlin: **will do.

* * *

**Merlin: **Lancelot there's something wrong with your phone and that something is that there is no more autocorrect on it.

**Lancelot: **oh, you noticed? Yeah. Can't believe I'm the only one here that's smart enough to figure out how to turn off auto correct

**Lancelot: **I mean seriously guys. I thought I'd be the most un-technologically savvy one here.

**Arthur: **...false.

**Lancelot: **you make an excellent point. Yet this is coming from the guy that figured out how to turn on other peoples' auto-correct almost the moment he got the phone.

**Arthur: **...

**Lancelot: **...and couldn't manage to turn off his own.

**Arthur: **shut up, Lancelot.

**Arthur: **nope, doesn't have the same ring to it. Shut up, Merlin.

**Merlin: **What did I do?! D:

**Arthur: **You were thinking. It's annoying.

**Merlin: **I am so done. Goin back to my real friends

**Arthur: **I hope you're not still on about those tribbles.

**Merlin: **THEY'RE BETTER FRIENDS THAN YOU, ARTHUR PENDRAGON.

**Arthur: **Aww, geez. Now I almost feel sorry for the guy.

**Lancelot: **...

**Arthur: **...

**Lancelot: **ahahahahahahahahahahaha

**Arthur: **Hahahahahahahahahaha...

**Merlin: **so done.

* * *

**Merlin: **Ack! They're everywhere!

**Gwen: **?

**Merlin: **Well, when I woke up and had tribbles all over my eyes, I figured they were just like cats and slept on your face or whatever. But they're not

**Gwen: **I repeat: ?

**Merlin: **THEY BREED, GWEN.

**Merlin: **LIKE RABBITS BUT LIKE A ZILLION TIMES WORSE. I AM SWIMMING IN TRIBBLES

**Gwen: **interesting mental images there but carry on

**Merlin: **help me get rid of these things before arthur owes me a major "I told you so"

**Gwen: **who am I to get in the way of that?

**Merlin: **cause he'll owe you one too.

**Gwen: **where do you suggest we hide them

**Merlin: **uh...let's just try and make sure they don't get too out of hand.

**Gwen: **understatement of the century here from the guy that's swimming in tribbles.

**Arthur: **What's going on here?

**Merlin: **OMG RUN

* * *

**Arthur: **Gah! Merlin, I knew these things would be trouble!

**Merlin: **o rlly?

**Merlin: **did you know they were trouble when they walked in?

**Gwen: **ahaha

**Gwen: **I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE.

**Merlin: **;)

**Arthur: **BACK TO THE POINT AT HAND, PLEASE.

**Arthur: **There's an infestation of these things in the throne room! Get them out of here!

**Gwen: **ah, the trouble with tribbles.

**Merlin: **I'm coming.

**Gwen: **something bad's going to come from this, I can tell.

**Morgana: **

**Gwen: **well if that isnt a bad sign

**Merlin: **you pessimist. I'm going to track down the tribbles and send them through a portal to another world.

**Merlin: **that way everyone lives and it's all happy.

**Gwen: **fair enough. WE RIDE!

**Arthur: **that's my line. :(

* * *

**Gwen: **merlin! What the heck kind of spell is that? You can't just open a portal to...where is this again

**Merlin: **the 'Alternate Dimension Guidemap' says Narnia.

**Merlin: **I think they lie. Narnia is the land I invented when I got trapped in Arthur's wardrobe.

**Gwen: **?

**Merlin: **Screw it. Tribble spell, activated!

**Gwen: **WHAT THE HELL

**Arthur: **That just made more of them!

**Gwen: **Wait...where's uther?

**Merlin: **I think I accidentally hit him with my tribble spell

**Gwen: **So he's a tribble?!

**Merlin: **Theoretically...possibly. Maybe yes. Absolutely.

**Arthur: **I hate you all.

**Arthur: **FIND HIM.

**Merlin: **I can't! There's like a gazillion tribbles here.

**Arthur: **He'd be the one in the crown.

**Merlin: **fair point.

**Merlin: **oh noes

**Gwen: **what have you done

**Arthur: **Wait...did that just...the portal just...

**Merlin: **it wasn't supposed to do that.

**Merlin: **er.

**Arthur: **ARE YOU TELLING ME

**Arthur: **THAT YOU JUST SENT ALL OF THOSE TRIBBLES THROUGH A PORTAL TO NARNIA, WITH MY OWN FATHER AMONG THEM, AND YET ACCIDENTALLY MANAGED TO LET THE PORTAL SUCK THEM ALL THROUGH AND CLOSE WITHOUT GETTING HIM OUT

**Merlin: **...

**Gwen: **well, in a nutshell, y-

**Merlin: **shut up gwen.

**Merlin: **I'm groveling.

**Arthur: **WHAT THE HELL MERLIN

**Arthur: **BEGGING AT MY FEET WILL NOT MAKE ME FORGIVE YOU.

**Merlin: **I'm sorry, sire.

**Arthur: **You should be. I can't believe you didn't think of that sooner.

**Gwen: **-?

**Merlin: **?

**Arthur: **My father's always been the most obnoxious human being on the planet. Now he's not dead, but he's not here, and there's no chance of him coming back anytime soon, so I can finally be king!

**Merlin: **I think that's a bad idea, sire.

**Gwen: **Are you familiar with a certain movie called the Lion King?

**Merlin: **if you're going where I think you're going with this, I get to become king since I technically was the one that sent uther through the portal.

**Gwen: **false.

**Gwen: **I'm saying Arthur's not ready to be a king yet.

**Arthur: **Like hell I am! Just wait and see.

**Gwaine: **I hear the king's gone to Narnia? When's the celebration party?

**Merlin: **very funny gwaine.

**Merlin: **never. I'm going to get him back.

**Arthur: **As acting king, Merlin, I forbid it.

**Merlin: **rlly? Ah well then I tried.

**Gwen: **you're not going to do the right thing?

**Merlin: **did you not see me trying, gwen?

**Arthur: **I think this is best for all of us. Even merlin gets a promotion.

**Merlin: **Right. Now instead of serving the Prince of Prats, I get to serve the King of them.

**Arthur: **All of you get out of here. I'm going to spend a moment enjoying the lack of YouTube-quoting.

**Gwen: **You're going to get Uther back, right?

**Merlin: **Eh. I'll give it a week.

* * *

**Lancelot: **I'm loving this Arthur-is-King stuff. Never get uther back please

**Gwaine: **to make that clear: EVER

**Mordred: **

**Merlin: **and I am still wondering how I'm even sane.

**Gwen: **well, that makes two of us.

**Arthur: **Shut up, merlin.

**Arthur: **I'm king. :)

* * *

**Well, did you expect that? I didn't until about an hour ago, when I got the brilliant idea to turn Uther into a tribble and lose him. **

**Of course, this is for Zenara, who kept asking me about the tribble idea until I finally agreed to do it...kind of. Well, here it is nonetheless. And I wanted to get rid of Uther for at least a little while so Arthur could have a stab at being King. So there's how I did that. (****_Oh, so that's what happened to Uther! Don't listen to that rubbish from the television network. This is the real deal.)_**

**Anyways. Expect more soon. Except...maybe not too soon, since the final weeks of school are approaching, and Final Exam Week is coming up! Fingers crossed. Xx**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	21. Chapter 21

**So, guys, I've recently discovered the best coincidence ever. Check out the new cover image to see it. There is an actual brand of ferret food from the UK with the name "Merlin." I tell you no lies. It's supposedly the "wizard way to feed your ferrets." I can't even stop laughing. **

**That point being across, I should probably address the one you're all wondering about. "Where the hell did Merlin Text Messages go for ten hours?" Well, guys, I'm sorry to tell you that I've been harassed by a fellow author about this fic. I know I said that I would only be updating on my tumblr from now on, but you can forget about that, because A) tumblr is way too confusing, and B) I've received no word from the site that confirms that I'm not allowed to post this fic. So I'm BACK. Sorry. You're stuck with me. :P**

***IMPORTANT*: If you were following this story before it was deleted and haven't done so again afterwards, you won't get email alerts anymore because the followers list was wiped clean. If you know anyone who was following this and has been taken off the list, maybe shoot them a PM and let them know? Thanks so much. You guys are the best, really. **

**Enjoy chapter 21!**

* * *

**Arthur: **Merlin, where are you?

**Merlin: **go away

**Arthur: **Merlin?

**Merlin: **im never coming out

**Arthur: **Oh, not this again...

**Gwen: **What happened?

**Arthur: **Merlin's taken to living in the TARDIS nowadays.

**Merlin: **it's got a bunch of cool levers and stuff. It's not like im going to get bored.

**Arthur: **The point of you working for me was so you wouldn't have to get bored in the first place!

**Merlin: **shut up arthur its a valid point

**Gwen: **I hate to admit it but he's right.

**Arthur: **He's never right! Merlin must always be wrong. We can call it Merlin's Law of Idiocy.

**Gwen: **Even when he's right, he's still wrong?

**Arthur: **Precisely.

**Gwen: **MLI

**Merlin: **?

**Gwen: **Merlin's Law of Idiocy = MLI

**Arthur: **This will come back to haunt us.

**Merlin: **oh, undoubtedly.

**Gwen: **i can guarantee it.

* * *

**The Doctor**: Oh, bloody hell. Some other fan has gone and jacked my TARDIS.

**Amy**: so...no Disney world?

**The Doctor:** not unless I get it back.

**Amy**: how long will that take?

**The Doctor:** well, it doesn't _home_, pond!

**Amy**: whatever. Let's just hope this guy doesn't figure out the extra rooms like the last one.

**Merlin**: HOLY CRAP THERE'S A SWIMMING POOL IN HERE

* * *

**Gwen: **isnt netflix amazing?

**Arthur: **For the sake of conversation, sure.

**Gwen: **the future is genius.

**Arthur: **Camelot can be genius, too! Don't hate on my kingdom!

**Gwen: **ur picking up on future things too

**Arthur: **I am not!

**Gwen: **Step one in denial process: indignant

**Arthur: **-.-

**Gwen: **hey ever heard of this TV show?

**Arthur: **No.

**Gwen: **You didn't even ask what it was called!

**Arthur: **I don't need to.

**Gwen: **ask

**Arthur: **-.-

**Arthur: **What is the television show, Guinevere?

**Gwen: **'Doctor Who.'

**Arthur: **Let me think...

**Arthur: **No.

**Gwen: **What about this one...um...'Merlin'?

**Gwen: **hey merlin! There's some other dude here with ur name! He looks just like you and everything. Do you happen to have a long-lost twin?

**Gwen: **or clone?

**Arthur: **Oh, please, no. We can hardly even handle _one_ Merlin.

**Gwen: **?

**Merlin: **watch that show and you may destroy the universe.

**Gwen: **and I am so confused

**Merlin: **go watch doctor who and...well, I know its hard for you, but try not to do anything stupid.

**Gwen: **ur no fun

**Merlin: **irony has no sense of humor, gwen.

**Arthur: **I beg to differ.

**Merlin: **shut up arthur

**Arthur: **NO, YOU SHUT UP, MERLIN.

**Arthur: **I'M KING.

**Kilgharrah: **Wait...king? What happened here?

**Merlin: **well way to pop the balloon of excitement here

**Merlin: **party's over, guys

**Kilgharrah: **MERLIN! WHAT DID YOU DO?

**Merlin: **And that is my cue to leave

**Arthur: **Brilliant. I can hear TARDIS noises coming from the basement.

**Merlin: **whee-oo whee-oo

**Kilgharrah: **WHAT HAPPENED TO UTHER?

**Gwen: **ahh arthur do something I can feel the ground shaking from the angry dragon

**Arthur: **meep

**Gwen: **some help you are -.-

**Kilgharrah: **MERLIN! YOU HAD BETTER BE GOING TO RETRIEVE THE KING.

**Arthur: **Haha, funny story...

**Kilgharrah: **Read as: Merlin did something else stupid and I'm going to have to fix it.

**Kilgharrah: **And you intend to falsely inform me that this tale will be humorous in order to console my disquieted mind.

**Arthur: **Er...yes.

**Merlin: **uther is in narnia as of right now. Probably consorting with ice queens and avoiding hungry lions in his tribble state.

**Kilgharrah: **Tell me no.

**Merlin: **...

**Kilgharrah: **You don't mean that literally.

**Merlin: **...

**Arthur: **What have I done?!

**Merlin: **oh jeez now you come around

**Arthur: **GO FETCH HIM, MERLIN

**Merlin: **I...can't.

**Arthur: **WHAT?

**Merlin: **the TARDIS is acting up. Let me give it a few days.

**Arthur: **See that he's reinstated within the week. Or you can go jump off that bridge we discussed.

**Merlin: **yes, sire.

**Gwen: **You lying bastard.

**Merlin: **shhhhhhhh

* * *

**Arthur**: Hello, Gaius. Seen Merlin anywhere?

**Gaius**: he mentioned something about a bridge...?

**Arthur**: O:

**Arthur**: I've killed Merlin.

**Gwen**: lol Gaius I wish you'd seen his face. He gave this twitch and kinda spazzed out.

**Gaius**: Only joking, sire. It would appear that he's spending some quality time with his TARDIS.

**Arthur**: Oh, not this again...

**Merlin**: IM NEVER COMING OUT AGAIN ARTHUR! I QUIT!

**Gwen: **haha, good luck with that.

**Arthur: **And where the hell do you think you're going?

**Gwen: **To watch doctor who...?

**Gwen: **later, bitches.

**Arthur: **Since when did we become her 'bitches'?

**Merlin: **'dawn of time' sounds about right.

**Merlin: **now, arthur, if you would please leave the room...you may not witness this genius in action.

**Arthur: **You're just trying to learn how to control the TARDIS. I don't see how that's genius.

**Merlin: **GET OUT AND LEAVE MY SANITY ALONE

**Arthur: **...I think I'm going to go watch some Doctor Who.

* * *

**Merlin: **Anyone know a "221B Baker Street"?

**Gwen: **Can't say that I do.

**Gwaine: **nope.

**Gwen: **Why?

**Merlin: **According to the records, it's the TARDIS's most visited place.

**Gwen: **maybe you should look it up

**Gwaine: **maybe there's more records on it?

**Merlin: **I just typed it into the database. It says that if I knew this information, the British Broadcasting Corporation would implode.

**Gwen: **?

**Merlin: **You're asking the wrong guy.

**Gwaine: **don't even look at me

**Arthur: **You people are so weird.

**Merlin: **You have no idea.

**Gwen: **...guys, let's do something normal for a change. How about we just build a fire and roast Lancelot's marshmallows tonight rather than traveling in a TARDIS or watching Netflix or turning anyone into animals...

**Gwaine: **the last part especially please

**Merlin: **"normal." srsly. Says the woman who lives in 5th century camelot and watches Doctor Who in her spare time.

**Arthur: **I think it's an excellent idea.

**Merlin: **Well u would.

**Gwen: **come on, merlin. It'll be fun.

**Lancelot: **Tell that to my marshmallows!

* * *

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOO

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Gwen: **What's wrong?

**Arthur: **Did someone die?

**Gwen: **Did the dragon escape?

**Lancelot: **Did Gwaine steal my marshmallows again?

**Gwaine: **DID SOMEONE BURN DOWN THE TAVERN? D:

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Gwen: **you gotta give me something

**Arthur: **Work with us, here.

**Merlin: **IT'S GONE

**Arthur: **What's gone?

**Gwen: **Did someone get kidnapped?

**Gwaine: **DID SOMEONE RAID THE TAVERN?

**Merlin: **NO ITS A MILLION TIMES WORSE

**Gwaine: **SOMEONE RAIDED A MILLION TAVERNS?!

**Merlin: **THE TARDIS IS GONE

**Arthur: **Excuse me while I go murder a sorcerer...

**Gwen: **Oh no you don't!

**Merlin: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Gwen: **calm down. It's gong to be okay.

**Arthur: **perhaps.

**Arthur**: so what happened to your TARDIS, then?

**Merlin**: some guy came up out of nowhere brandishing a screwdriver and took it.

**Arthur**: ...

**Arthur**: did he say anything to you?

**Merlin**: yes. "You're pretty good, but you'll never master the hair."

**Merlin**: and then he ran away! WITH _MY_ TARDIS. D':

**Merlin**: GAH, I HATE THAT GUY

**Gwen**: wait...that description...DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, MERLIN?!

**Merlin**: ...yes! Some idiot's gone and stolen my TARDIS!

**Arthur: **bother me again when it's NOT three in the morning please.

**Gwen: **You're all terrible human beings.

**Merlin: **I'M GOING TO FIND A BRIDGE

**Gwen: **no, sweetie...

**Arthur: **wonderful. Goodnight.

* * *

**And that's pretty much it. I won't update again until this weekend most likely, so keep an eye out for that. You guys seriously make my day when you write such sweet reviews and suggestions. Just wanted to let you know that. Here, take some of Lancelot's marshmallows, just for being awesome. He won't mind. **

**Until next time,**

**- Kat Carlyle**


	22. Chapter 22 - WRITER'S BLOCK

**...AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!**

**Let me tell you now that this chapter is a complete waste of your time. As is all of it, really. But if you're into that stuff, who am I to judge? **

**Anyway. This is what happens when summer comes around and I don't have the energy to think. But it's been so long, guys! So I give you a relatively long update on the glorious nuisance that is Writer's Block. Feel free to not take me too seriously. Under any circumstances. No trips to the mental hospital today. But, uh...keep an eye on Rocky Pond just in case. O.e Though there are a few others I could name...specifically looking at Whispering Echoes and Pearlbunny...anywho (see what I did there?). Loving how autocorrect doesn't recognize that as a word. **

**Things will be back to normal next time. When I have inspiration. Until then...**

**Enjoy...?**

**(Sorry, by the way, for referring to myself in the third person. This was chocolate-induced, so I claim no responsibility for insanity.)**

* * *

"I give up!" Kat announced shrilly, throwing her notebook into the air. Papers scattered all across the floor as she continued, "I'm tired of you all! Let's just take one mass vacation. Can we do that here?"

Merlin blinked dolefully at the papers fluttering to the ground around him. "Oh, no...not Writer's Block..."

Kat whirled and brandished a pencil at him, a crazy look occupying her eyes. "I will not take attitude from _you_, scarf-boy! My muses are both being major pains in my ass and my mental breakdown is ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED!"

"Okay, Kat...calm down..." Gwen began shakily. She held up her hands in a pacifying way, but Kat would have none of it.

"I'm going to rethink my career choices!" she shrieked. Everyone watched the author as she stormed away with clenched fists.

"Soooo..." Arthur began awkwardly, picking something out of his teeth as he lounged on his new throne. Unbeknownst to him, Tribble Uther was raging at him from Narnia with a very distressed-sounding bout of cooing.

"Anyone hungry?" Gwaine tossed out apples to everyone, who thanked him greatly - excepting Mordred, who discreetly tossed his out the window to avoid any more bad experiences.

"Let me just say that you did an excellent job with that rant last chapter, Merlin," Lancelot enthused from the corner. "Really. You got the screaming thing down really well."

Merlin gave a slight bow and took a bite of his apple. "It's all a part of the job description, Lance. Didn't help though that Kat had to keep dragging it out..."

At this point, everyone took a moment to grumble about the author's ideas for existence in Camelot.

"I, for one, was not particularly thrilled to be trapped as a parrot for a day. Or, for that matter, a ferret," Gwaine threw in loudly, over the din of complaints. There was a collective groan from the knights in the room as sour memories of fur and claws were reminisced.

"TRY BEING A FIRE-BREATHING CAT FOR A WEEK!" Kilgharrah thundered from the basement.

Everyone ignored him.

Amidst all the confusion, Pearlbunny strolled in through the front doors to the throne room. No one noticed her as she sat down on the floor and began whispering demonically about the necessity of Merthur shipping.

"Wait, guyyyyyyyyys! I've GOT IT!"

Everyone turned around to face the door as the author came streaking back in, her brown and blonde hair flying. "Everyone take a script! Also, Arthur, your photocopier is jammed."

Arthur rubbed his temples tiredly. "If you weren't the author, Kat, I would fire you in a heartbeat." Knowing that Percival wouldn't have anything important to do in the chapter, he quickly dispatched the knight to fix the copier machine.

Gwen frowned down at the paper Kat pushed into her hand. "Wait...I can't simply throw Arthur off a bridge because I'm 'feeling evil today.' And I'm not about to 'discover that Merlin is Arthur's true soulmate' and run away from the kingdom." She frowned in very, _very_ deep concern. As was to be expected.

Kat yanked the script back out of her hand. "That's not right! I swear I never wrote that last bit!"

Everyone finally seemed to notice Pearlbunny, who continued to chant demonic Merthur hymns under her breath from the center of the floor. Merlin took several large steps away from her.

"Cami, get out," Kat commanded. "How did you even-actually, never mind. I don't want to know. It's bad enough that I'm stuck without my muses for the day, now I've got to deal with you too?!"

With that, the author went about chasing her friend from the castle with a club made of rolled up papers.

Lancelot passed around marshmallows as the silence lengthened.

"Plot twist!" Merlin announced suddenly. "I **am** Iron Man."

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Merlin broke into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. "You...your faces...I..." he quickly composed himself: "Just making sure you were all awake."

Bored, Arthur chucked an apple core at him. Merlin was promptly knocked on the side of the head and fell over unconscious.

"He seems to be rather fond of the floor," Gwen observed bemusedly as Merlin collapsed. "Should we be concerned?"

Arthur gave her the 'do-you-think-we-should-be-concerned?' glare of the century, and Gwen immediately found a reason to shut up. Silence ensued.

"So how bout that weather?" Gwaine asked loudly, at last.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Sorry, sorry. I guess that just made it even _more_ awkward."

It was a moment before Merlin sat up again, groaning. "I'd like to ask permission to retire early," he announced.

"Denied," responded Arthur immediately. "I still need you."

Everyone rolled their eyes, excepting a squealing Pearlbunny, who was quarantined safely in the castle dungeons, thanks to Kat's herding skills.

Suddenly, there was a noise at the doorway. Everyone turned to look, hoping beyond reason that Kat hadn't tried once again to force a script out of her frayed mind.

It was definitely not Kat.

There, standing in the doorway, were two of the most incredibly attractive, perfect, insanely wonderful men any of them had ever laid eyes on. They made even Arthur look like a total girl.

Gwen's jaw unhinged and practically brushed the floor. Merlin and Arthur exchanged a series of incredibly deep looks. Gwaine threw down his cape, loudly announced that he wasn't cool with being the third hottest man in the room, and stormed out. From somewhere across the kingdom, watching through her magic mirror, Morgana cackled like a maniac for no reason at all.

"Good evening," announced the first, slightly taller man, who had short black hair and very blue eyes. Gwen let out a small whimper.

"Hi," the second greeted in a matching Irish accent. "We're Kat's muses. Any idea where she's gone?" He turned his head to wink at Gwen with one brown eye, and she swooned slightly before staggering back to lean against Arthur's throne. The king looked less than thrilled.

"She's running around the castle somewhere screaming her head off about Writer's Block," he responded nonchalantly. "I'd go find her if I were you."

The brown-eyed man snapped his gaze away from Gwen to grin at Arthur wryly. He seemed to enjoy annoying the king, if only by the way his smile looked more like an animal baring its teeth than an actual grin. "Thanks very much."

"We'll be off, then," the first, blue-eyed man agreed. As they turned to leave, he could be heard mumbling, "Aidan, you know the winking is totally _my_ thing..."

Gwen sighed, blinking after them in rapt fascination. "Kat is so lucky," she crooned.

"Are you saying you're _not_?" Arthur yelped indignantly. "God, Guinevere, you'd think my own future wife would give me a little more credit..."

"You know Kat's just messing with us," Gwen assured him. "Give it a rest, Arthur. Merlin's the neglected one here; it's him I'm worried about."

In the corner, Merlin sighed, adjusting his red scarf. "No one ever appreciates the main character. Screw my life..."

Merlin suddenly disappeared, and everyone spent several moments blinking at the spot where he'd stood.

"He's been learning to apparate," Kilgharrah's muffled voice announced from the basement. "Pay no attention to him."

With several shrugs, everyone turned back to their marshmallows.

"If nothing else," Gwen began appreciatively, "Kat does give us really good food."

"It could be worse," Arthur agreed in a bitter tone. "Especially when you consider what some of those other Authors put us through..."

There were several shivers as the group contemplated the bizarre world of FanFiction.

"Personally, there are other places I'd rather be."

Everyone turned to look at Gwaine in surprise.

"I mean, think about it! Kat thinks that just because I'm her favorite character, she has to pick on me for everything," he grumped. "I have feelings too, you know!"

Kat came scrambling in again...at this point, looking slightly less insane. "Of course you do, dear," she assured a pouting Gwaine as she handed him a script. "But in the world of FanFiction, feelings only exist so they can be crushed with the wrecking ball of humor."

Despite their best efforts, several of the knights snickered. Gwaine bolted to his feet and chucked his apple core at Leon's head.

Timidly, Gwen raised her hand. "Um...this is a bit strange, Kat, I'll admit...even for you."

"Well, if you can go after Regina's long-lost cousin or whatever and get her to quit messing with my head, then I could churn out something better!"

The author was greeted by several bouts of confused blinking and the sound of feet shuffling in the other direction. For a moment, Merlin reappeared, but upon seeing the author, he let out a terrified squeak and was gone again.

Kat growled in frustration. "It's a long story! And that's beside the point! What's wrong with the script _now_, Gwen?"

Arthur was the one that responded. "Erm...first off, I never ACTUALLY owned a closet full of care bears..."

"...and I don't think you can center a whole segment around Morgana's Evil Pacing," Lancelot piped up.

"Well, if this is so easy, YOU write it!" the author demanded. With that, she stormed out once again, calling after her Muses as she went.

"...that went well."

The reappearance of Merlin was ignored.

The appearance of a strange blue box in the corner was not.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Arthur bellowed. "I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF THAT THING LAST CHAPTER!"

Merlin was smiling enormously and gazing lovingly up at the TARDIS, hardly seeing to hear him. Arthur shouted for a few more moments, but stopped when he realized that no one was listening.

The TARDIS door opened, and a man with a rather strange mop of gravity-defying hair looked out, straightening his bow tie. "Ah, look at this place! Come along, Pond, come see this! The TARDIS can now travel to alternate fandoms! I'm so proud of you..."

Gwen's fingers gave a little twitch. "Is that the Doctor?"

Merlin was the first to respond. "I believe so."

"Did he just speak to the TARDIS?"

"I believe so."

The man with the gravity-defying hair stepped out into the hall cheerily. "Ooh, locals!" he enthused, rubbing his hands together. "Hello, I'm the Doc-"

He was quickly cut off as Gwen took a flying leap and fastened her arms around him in a massive hug.

"Are they hostile, Doctor? Is it dangerous out there?" a female voice asked from within the TARDIS.

"Actually, they appear to be quite friendly," The Doctor responded with a shiver as he tried to peel Gwen's death grip off of him. Arthur was more than happy to drag his future wife away, though she tried several times to bite him in the process.

That was the moment Kat chose to burst into the room again. "GUYS, I'VE GOT IT! PURE GENIUS! PLACES, EVERYONE!" she froze suddenly as she took in the scene. "What is the Doctor doing here? He wasn't supposed to come back after chapter twenty-one!"

A red-haired woman with a matching scarf chose this moment to step out of the TARDIS. "And who are you supposed to be?" she demanded bravely.

Kat looked incredibly affronted. "I'm the author of this nonsense!" she defended indignantly. "And now I have more characters to incorporate...oh, dear..."

The brown-eyed half of Kat's muse stepped into the room uncertainly. "Um...I think maybe you should take it a little easier on the Crossovers, Katherine..."

Kat whirled around with flaming eyes. "THAT'S ENOUGH FROM YOU, DWARF-BOY! I CAN'T EVEN...JUST...AUGH! EVERYBODY TAKE FIVE!" she bellowed.

Everyone visibly relaxed as the author stormed out for the third time. In the moment of confusion, Gwen quickly snapped back to clinging to the Doctor. Amy Pond let out an indignant huff as she caught Gwaine grinning at her.

"I'd just like to apologize for all of them," Arthur sighed to the time lord, "mostly because I can guarantee that they have no intention of apologizing for themselves. I'd like to be able to say I ruled over a somewhat more intelligent kingdom, but that would essentially be the lie of the century."

The Doctor was busy shining a buzzing, green-tipped screwdriver at Gwen's interlaced fingers, and almost didn't hear him. "No need to apologize! This place looks cool. What did you say it was called again?"

"Camelot," Arthur provided flatly.

"Yes! Camelot!" the Doctor paused for a moment, as if considering. "I travel to Camelot now. Camelot is cool. Yes, I like that one...keeping that...anyway! Must be off."

With that, he straightened his bowtie, pushed Gwen off of him, and made a quick dash away from them and into the TARDIS. "Come along, Pond!"

Amy, who was impatiently demonstrating the wedding ring on her left hand to a disappointed Gwaine, jumped at the chance and followed the Doctor into the safety of the TARDIS. There was a noise like a dying cat, and then the blue box was gone.

Merlin gaped at the spot where it had stood. "My TARDIS..."

Gwen clapped him on the back good-naturedly. "His TARDIS, I'm afraid, Merlin," she sighed.

Merlin muttered darkly to himself and turned away. "He still leaves the brakes on..."

Kat reentered the room and cleared her throat in a somewhat more sane manner than she was usually accustomed to. "Drop your snackage," she announced as formally as possible. "I've got a decent chapter opening. Let's get to work, bitches."

* * *

**...so this is what Writer's Block looks like inside my head. I'll be back to normal next time, promise. Though if you haven't read my author's note in chapter one recently, GO DO THAT. THIS IS WHAT IS GIVING ME GRIEF. THIS IS WHY I CAN'T UPDATE. **

**Special thanks to Colin and Aidan in this chapter. :P I suppose the only reason my muses tolerate me is owed to the fact that they don't know I exist. Yes, I have two muses. Indecisiveness may or may not be my problem. **

**A reminder: this is derived entirely of lack of sleep and abundance of chocolate. And some Lana del Rey music. Fortunately for you, I will remember none of this in the morning.**

**Much love for your tolerance of me as an incompetent human being, **

**K. A. Carlyle**


	23. Chapter 23

**Here's an extra-long chapter for you all, just for being wonderful! Also, let's take a moment to applaud you guys. I'm so glad you like it enough to grace me with almost 350 reviews! That's insane! You're amazing, every one of you. :)**

**Also, news: THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT. I know I'm supposed to be updating in a new format now, but I already had a rough draft of this done, so I figured I'll post this now and update it later to the new format later. I don't want to be confusing, though, so maybe I'll just keep updating from the first chapter on and work my way up to this one. **

**I'm still sounding confusing, aren't I?**

**Sorry. I've been trying. Here's chapter twenty-three, anyway. I'll just go ahead and count that monstrosity from last time as a chapter. XD**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Merlin: **Rise and shine, sire!

**Arthur: **Merlin, it's five AM. Even the sun isn't 'rising and shining' yet.

**Merlin: **Big day today!

**Merlin: **sire, I can't keep waking you up via cell phone if it has no effect.

**Arthur: **Go away.

**Merlin: **you have training to get to!

**Merlin:** The Great Dragon is burning people.

**Merlin: **Morgana has escaped and is terrorizing the village.

**Merlin: **I've only got three more minutes to live.

**Arthur: **Good riddance!

**Merlin:** is there nothing I can say that will get you up?

**Merlin: **Your father's back.

**Arthur: **WHAT?! WHERE?!

**Merlin: **But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? Tis but the waking of a blonde idiot.

**Arthur:** Merlin! Do NOT joke about things like that!

**Merlin: **whatcha gonna do, throw a shoe at me across the castle?

**Arthur: **You make a fair point.

**Merlin: **why do you think I was so eager to start this new wake up plan in the first place

**Arthur: **That's it. Run, warlock.

**Merlin: **aiiiiieee

**Gwen: **Ah, another quiet morning in Camelot.

**Gwaine: **Assuming you meant as much sarcasm as I think you did, this doesn't even scratch the surface of a 'quiet morning in Camelot.'

* * *

**Merlin: **Arthur, there's been an issue.

**Arthur: **Apart from the usual?

**Merlin: **We live in camelot, sire.

**Merlin: **There is no 'usual.'

**Arthur: **Fair point. You were saying?

**Merlin: **Your father's back.

**Arthur: **We already established that joke doesn't work, Merlin.

**Merlin: **No. I mean actually BACK. The dragon did some crazy voodoo magic shit and then there was a tribble cooing in the basement.

**Arthur: **WHAT?

**Merlin: **I tried to keep him from coming here, but he's back.

**Uther: **coo.

**Merlin: **SEE

**Uther: **coo.

**Arthur: **Well, if that's all he can say, we shouldn't be in for too much of a problem.

**Uther: **COO?

**Merlin: **He still understands you.

**Merlin: **I think you just offended him.

**Uther: **Coo!

**Arthur: **But what do we do about ouryay agicmay?

**Merlin: **I'll tell you what we're not going to do. We're not going to resort to speaking in pig latin.

**Arthur: **Well, then, you have fun hiding it while he's back.

**Merlin: **shouldn't be too hard.

**Arthur: **Since he left, you've installed a swimming pool in the basement and flat screen TVs in the bedrooms.

**Arthur: **What part of that shouldn't be too hard?

**Merlin: **Uther had those before. I just said they came from a magic blue box.

**Arthur: **Good luck with that.

* * *

**Uther: **Coo.

**Arthur: **Yes, father?

**Uther: **Coo.

**Arthur: **You'll have to elaborate.

**Merlin: **That stopped being funny about two days ago arthur.

**Arthur: **I'm still enjoying it.

**Arthur: **Besides, he's still oblivious to the mockery.

**Merlin: **Must be hereditary.

**Arthur: **What's that supposed to mean?

**Merlin: **nothing at all, my lord and highly esteemed twat.

**Arthur: **I'm assuming that sounded better in your head.

**Merlin: **...yeah...

**Uther: **Coo.

**Kilgharrah: **That's it. Merlin, if you won't turn the king into a human again, I will.

**Merlin: **since when was I supposed to turn him into a human?

**Kilgharrah: **I left you only about two hundred voicemails and mental notes.

**Merlin: **Mental notes? Everyone knows those don't work.

**Kilgharrah: **I should have known better than to try them with the brainless, I suppose.

**Merlin: **Exactly!

**Merlin: **HEY WAIT

* * *

**Uther: **It's nice to be able to text again.

**Arthur: **Hm.

**Uther: **And to reclaim my throne.

**Arthur: **Hm.

**Uther: **And my youtube.

**Arthur: **Hm.

**Merlin: **If it helps, sire, I never gave up on you.

**Arthur: **Get your wizard ass out of here.

**Merlin: **o:

**Uther: **?

**Arthur: **I mean...er...

**Merlin: **Yes, Arthur, what did you mean?

**Arthur: **Um...since you've been gone, I've taken to calling Merlin a wizard because he's...uh...so fast at doing all his chores.

**Arthur: **:)

**Uther: **You always used to complain about the slowness of your servant, Arthur...?

**Merlin: **Yes, Arthur, you did!

**Arthur: **I've...had a change of heart.

**Merlin: **d'aww, I'm blushing.

**Arthur: **Go away, or I shall put you away.

**Uther: **I can see things have been interesting since I left...

* * *

**Merlin: **That was bloody brilliant back there.

**Merlin: **really, you should take up professional acting. The way you kept your cool back there...you must be a spy. Where did you train?

**Arthur: **sarcasm not appreciated.

**Merlin: **So now I'm a wizard-servant. And you've had a change of heart.

**Merlin: **Watch for flying pigs.

**Arthur: **That's it. I'm going to rage a bit about your incompetence so I still appear sane.

* * *

**Gwen: **I never told you, Merlin...sorry about what happened to your TARDIS. The Doctor did a pretty good job of taking it back, though, so don't feel too bad...

**Merlin: **well, the jokes still on him.

**Gwen: **There's the spirit. Savage retribution.

**Merlin:** ...I crashed it into the side of the Washington Monument a few weeks ago when I wasn't looking where I was going.

**Merlin: **so now there's a huge dent in the door. Retail value is way down.

**Merlin: **And it pulls to the left.

**Arthur: **How do you even manage that.

**Gwen: **My thoughts exactly. You crashed into a freaking obelisk. How do you ignore that?

**Merlin: **quit judging me guys. It's under repairs, so no harm done.

**Arthur: **You made them close down the Washington Monument because you couldn't steer a flying blue box?

**Gwaine: **and you didn't invite me?

**Merlin: **I'm done talking to you people.

**Gwen:** Agreed! I've lost enough brain cells to this conversation already.

**Merlin: **I have to go write an official apology to the people of America.

* * *

**Gwen: **whatcha guys up to?

**Merlin: **Not now Gwen, Lord of the Rings marathon in progress.

**Lancelot: **with extended blu-ray editions!

**Gwen: **I'm there. Hold up.

**Arthur: **One does not simply walk into the middle of our LotR marathon.

**Gwen: **can I skip in? Conga line? Leap through the window? Ride in on an eagle?

**Merlin: **just shut up and go away, we're already halfway through The Two Towers

**Gwen: **which means there are still several hours of attractive men and awesome sword fights in remainder, are there not?

**Lancelot: **anyone ever wondered about the whole wizard color thing? Why Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and not just freaking Gandalf

**Gwen:** omg lance you can't just ask why someone is white

**Merlin: **nice one

**Arthur: **Either shut up or remove yourself from the conversation.

**Merlin:** ...I taught Gandalf that spell.

**Gwen: **WHAT

**Merlin: **yeah, met him in the TARDIS a while ago, taught him a whole bunch of cool magical shit

**Arthur: **That's it. I'm leaving.

**Gwen: **butbutbutbut arthurrrrrr

**Lancelot: **...one does not simply walk out of a Lord of the Rings marathon.

**Arthur:** I'm King Arthur. I can do anything I want.

**Merlin:** and I suppose you are quite simple.

* * *

**Lancelot: **merlot, yoke stumblebum widdershins.

**Merlin: **...and that's what you get.

**Gwen: **oh dear god what have you done

**Gwen: **...this time

**Merlin:** What have I done?! Better question is what Lancelot has done!

**Lancelot: **I am stealth calories.

**Merlin: **he tripped over the cord on the projector I installed in the throne room and broke it!

**Merlin:** and he interrupted the LotR marathon!

**Gwen: **doesn't verbal abuse work just as well?

**Merlin: **one can only shout "Fool of a Took!" so many times, Guinevere.

**Gwen: **so how long will autocorrect be on?

**Merlin: **no idea. Until the message sinks in, I suppose.

**Lancelot: **bleating

**Merlin: **Yay, a goat.

* * *

**I've missed you all! Sorry summer's been so hectic. I've hardly gotten the chance to write anything humorous recently, between summer projects and the rest of life. I've been to heck and back recently. But the good news is, I'm ****_back. _****Things are getting easier and more manageable now, even with so much to do. I'll hopefully update a little more often. **

**Missed you all!**

**- Kat Carlyle**


	24. Chapter 24

**I can't apologize to you guys enough for not updating in a while. All I can say is that I abase myself at your collective feet and beg you to not abandon me, or my ridiculous fic. I love you all! Don't leave me! D':**

**All that aside, I just need to announce that I plan to finish this in the texting style. How many chapters, I hear you ask? I'll think about that a little and give a definitive answer at the least convenient time possible. At least, that's my best summary of the situation, given the way my mind usually operates. Sorry about that. **

**Here's chapter twenty-four. I don't have much else to say! Oh, yeah, almost forgot...expect no updates in August. I will be traveling in Europe for pretty much the whole month. If any of you are British and happen to see a crazy American girl with blonde hair streaks running around, that would be me. I shall regret nothing. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Merlin**: That's it. I've done it now.

**Gwen**: done what?

**Merlin**: destroyed arthur's life, and by association destroyed my own

**Gwen**: I thought you'd already taken care of that.

**Merlin**: oh, you're very funny. Just don't tell arthur that I'm hiding.

**Lancelot**: what did you do to him?

**Merlin**: you'll find out soon enough

**Gwaine**: What did you do?

**Merlin**: ...

**Gwaine**: Oh, you're kidding. Please, please tell me your kidding

**Gwen**: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

**Gwaine**: it was a stupid bet, merlin, I didn't mean it

**Merlin**: arthur was pissing me off, okay?!

**Gwaine**: not okay. Not even...what the hell would make you believe that was a good idea?

**Merlin**: on the contrary, nothing in me believed it was a good idea.

**Merlin**: which is precisely why I did it.

**Gwen**: so what do we do about this mystery curse?

**Merlin**: enjoy it while it lasts, gwen. Enjoy it while it lasts.

* * *

**Arthur**: _Hello...is it me you're looking for? _

**Gwaine**: and to the left, folks, you can view the exotic and disturbing 'singing prince'...

**Gwen**: Seriously? He's cursed to talk in song lyrics?

**Arthur**: _You may be right. I may be crazy. _

**Lancelot**: I love how these things only happen to Arthur.

**Merlin**: ...challenge accepted.

**Gwen**: you're in for it now!

**Lancelot**: absconding now thanks

**Merlin**: Sanity is endangered here.

**Arthur**: _I go crazy, crazy, baby I go crazy_

**Gwaine**: THE PLAGUE OF AEROSMITH STRIKES AGAIN

**Merlin**: calm down. Just because you burned down their roller coaster and sent death threats to Steven Tyler...

**Gwaine**: I was tracked down by security for that, by the way...

**Merlin**: ...it's over now, and no one ended up in a straitjacket, regardless of how much they deserved it, so let's just forget it.

**Gwaine**: your calm sense of reasoning is infinitely appreciated, merlin. -.-

**Merlin**: :-)

**Gwen**: so...now what?

**Merlin**: Now nothing.

**Merlin**: We just enjoy this until the effects wear off, at which point I will be forced to flee the country and you will have to throw a sufficiently lavish going away party for me.

**Gwen**: and then what?

**Merlin**: ...no one tells arthur where ive gone.

**Merlin**: He'll shoot me for this.

**Arthur**: _Shot through the heart, and you're to blame..._

**Gwaine**: I would've thought 'Shoot to Thrill' on that one, but I'm not judging.

**Arthur**: _Don't give me no lip, I've got enough of my own._

**Gwen**: is that a legit lyric?

**Merlin**: Has to be. Magic doesn't lie.

**Arthur**: _You don't want to get this way, famous and dumb at an early age. I'm lying, lying._

**Merlin**: no thanks to you, mister. D: You're the one that was being an insufferable pain in the arse.

**Arthur**: _Oops! I did it again._

**Merlin**: NO

**Gwen**: lolz!

**Merlin**: Why didn't I have the foresight to see this coming

**Arthur**: _The future's for discovering! The space in which we travel in..._

**Merlin: **Well, look who thinks he's suddenly more cryptic than his dad's pet now

**Kilgharrah**: I am not Uther's pet, merlin!

**Merlin**: I should really just change my number so none of you nutcases can find me.

**Gwen**: Would this be before or after you flee the country?

**Arthur**: _No, you didn't have to stoop so low! Have your friends collect your records and then change your number._

**Gwaine**: What friends lol

**Merlin**: Ouch.

**Arthur**: _You've gotta keep your head up! Then you can let your hair down. _

**Merlin**: Leaving now thanks.

**Arthur**: _She's walkin' out the door, like she did one thousand times before!_

* * *

**Gwen**: So, how's it going now that Uther's back?

**Merlin**: ugh. Terrible.

**Gwen**: Not for me! I point and laugh at your misery.

**Merlin**: Gee, it's nice to have such supportive friends.

**Gwen**: It's what I live for.

**Gwaine**: Then how are you still breathing?!

**Gwen**: -.-

**Merlin**: So does anyone want to hear my rant about hated royalty?

**Gwaine**: We've all had the same thing in our heads for as long as we can remember, Merlin.

**Gwen**: Just keep it to yourself.

**Lancelot**: Believe it or not, everyone here doesn't exist for the sole purpose of listening to you talk!

**Merlin**: Hang on

**Gwen**: ?

**Merlin**: I think there's a spell for that

* * *

**Gwaine**: LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER

**Gwaine**: GUYS EMERGENCY

**Merlin: **WHAT

**Gwaine**: THERE WAS A FIRE AT THE TAVERN

**Merlin**: WHAT

**Lancelot**: EXCUSE ME

**Arthur**: _BURN, BABY, BURN_

**Gwen**: is everyone's phone stuck on caps or something?

**Gwen**: also is it 'no punctuation day' or something because I did NOT get the memo.

**Gwaine**: THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL

**Merlin**: are you sure its not a fire that YOU caused?

**Gwaine**: HOW WOULD I LIVE WITH MYSELF?

**Lancelot**: honestly ever since most of us met you we've been asking that question.

**Gwen**: I request the highest of fives for that statement

**Lancelot**: Ikr! Burn, right?

**Gwaine**: I CAN'T STOP SOBBING

**Lancelot**: sorry. Touchy subject.

**Merlin**: As we have a friend in need, someone should say something comforting.

**Gwen**: anyone understand this human emotion thing?

**Merlin**: Human emotion? That rules arthur out.

**Arthur**: _Maybe I'll get drunk again to feel a little love... D:_

**Merlin**: You, sir, are the bane of my existence.

**Arthur**: _Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful_

**Merlin**: I don't. I hate you because you were born.

**Merlin**: Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

**Gwaine**: YOU'RE ALL KIND OF MISSING THE POINT HERE

**Gwen**: Be still my foolish heart. A conversation with a point?

**Lancelot**: Oh man, the apocalypse is upon us now.

**Merlin**: Don't worry, Gwaine. I'll go fix it with some magic tonight when Uther's asleep and not stalking me.

**Gwen**: Uther stalks you?

**Merlin**: Ever since YouTube, Uther stalks everyone.

**Arthur**: _Still the same as a year ago, but more people hear me though, according to the mySpace and YouTube videos_

**Merlin**: Is it bad when I stop seeing the sense behind these?

**Lancelot**: Honestly, Merlin, it's bad that you ever could see sense in them in the first place.

**Merlin**: All I can do now is hope this goes away soon and pray that I still have a job when it's all over.

**Gwen**: Come on, Merlin. Arthur's life would suck without you.

**Merlin**: I see what you did there...

**Gwaine**: All his dreams and all the lights mean nothing without you

**Merlin**: ha...ha...

**Lancelot**: Sorry, I don't know any song lyrics to do puns with.

**Merlin**: That's a relief, because I was this close to hitchhiking and going back to live in the future to avoid you idiots.

* * *

**Merlin**: Admittedly, I've done some atrocious things throughout the course of my career.

**Merlin**: but you don't really think Arthur would fire me, do you?

**Gaius**: I believe it's in his best interests if he doesn't, quite honestly.

**Merlin**: Not in _mine_? D:

**Gaius**: No. Certainly _his _best interests.

**Merlin**: And why is that?

**Gaius**: You wouldn't leave him alone until he let you come back.

**Gwen**: Face it, Merlin. You've grown fond of the old clotpole.

**Merlin**: I believe I have copyright over that term!

**Merlin**: And I have _NOT_!

**Gwaine**: Still too soon Gwen

**Gwen**: yeah, probably right.

* * *

**Uther**: It does feel wonderful to be back with my YouTube again.

**Arthur**:_ Early morning, wake me up...father father father, this is not enough_

**Uther**: You are quite right, my son. YouTube is not nearly enough to keep an entire kingdom in check.

**Uther**: Perhaps I should expand my horizons to Tumblr?

**Arthur**: _The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim._

**Uther**: Precisely! We must adapt to the needs of the kingdom.

**Uther**: Say, is that Smash Mouth?

**Merlin**: Sire, I predict that this is going to be an exceedingly long week.

* * *

**If anyone's got a favorite singer/band, song, or lyric, tell me and I'll see if I can get Arthur to say it. Let it never be said that I don't cater to others' wishes. ;)**

**As always, more soon!**

**- K. A. Carlyle / 7.21.13**


	25. Chapter 25

**Welllllll, this is a surprise. That, or the universe is ending, because I've just posted two chapters in the same week. And one of those days was a Monday. **

**If that isn't love, guys, I don't know what is. **

**Anyway, I've gotten a bunch of good song responses. I'll try and work them in! And...great dragons, are we actually at the quarter century mark already? That's pretty cool, guys!**

**Also, I'd like to take a moment to call attention to dear Irene. Seriously...you are one of my favorite people. ;) Thank you for being fantastically brilliant and having excellent taste in music. If I may be so bold...classic rock for the ****_win_****. **

**Pearlbunny...I see what you did there. ;D**

**I may be writing so much because I recently bought a new mouse for my laptop and it's been fun just clicking on things obsessively like a crazed cat. Hmm...that gives me an idea. **

**...enjoy!**

* * *

**Gwen: **Quick, sing something random!

**Arthur: **_I don't know 'bout you, but I'm feelin' 22_

**Merlin: **I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

**Arthur: **_We all live in a yellow submarine!_

**Merlin: **oh dear god what is going on

**Gwen: **I dunno but hes been like this since last night. Nothing's making sense!

**Arthur: **_Stop making sense_

**Merlin: **Technically, that's an album, not a song lyric.

**Gwen: **Maybe that means the curse is wearing off?

**Lancelot: **Let's hope not. I'm still enjoying how much time I get to kill watching him text like this.

**Gwaine: **Not to mention when he breaks out into song in the middle of training

**Leon: **Oh, yeah, that's the best.

**Merlin: **Well, look who finally figured out their phone!

**Gwen: **Took you long enough, gramps.

**Leon: **I don't know what that is supposed to mean, but I'll take it to be disdainful and simply respond with nothing at all.

**Gwen: **coolies.

**Merlin: **Arthur. Hello out there. Can you hear me?

**Arthur: **_Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna talk anymore!_

**Merlin: **I could theoretically rant to you about your utter incompetence as an individual and give you a scathing report about your overall failure to humanity, but as it is, I can't really be sure if it's getting through or not, so I'll just leave it at this:

**Merlin: **...you, sir, are a royal pain.

**Arthur: **_I don't need your civil war!_

**Merlin: **that has no context whatsoever, just so we're clear.

**Arthur: **_I need a path, I need conviction, I need a life I've never had!_

**Merlin: **A life? I couldn't agree more.

**Gwen: **Thankfully, I've got one of those. Bye guys...

**Lancelot: **And just where do you think you're going?!

**Gwen: **First, ask me a question like that again and your face will become much more closely acquainted with my fist.

**Gwen: **Secondly, I'm going shopping.

**Merlin: **Is that even possible in Camelot?

**Gwen: **I'm a talented person.

**Merlin: **kudos to you then.

**Arthur: **_There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold..._

**Gwaine: **...AND SHE'S BUYING THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN!

**Merlin: **You're all certifiable. I'm outta here.

* * *

**Leon: **You'd better hide, fast.

**Merlin: **the witch hunters finally tracked me after they saw me in that disguise?!

**Leon: **I...no. Not even remotely.

**Merlin: **Arthur's out to get me because the curse broke and he's singing for blood?

**Merlin: **Pun intended

**Leon: **more reasonable, but still no...

**Merlin: **What is it then?

**Leon: **Arthur broke out into Justin Beiber's greatest hits during training today, and all the knights had to suffer through an hour of them on repeat.

**Merlin: **Wait...hits? She had those?

**Leon: **I guess so. Also, I think it was a guy.

**Merlin: **I'm so sorry. On both accounts.

**Leon: **Tell that to the knights! They're after you now.

**Merlin: **How is this my fault?

**Leon: **When in doubt, blame the wizard. It's a working system in this kingdom.

**Merlin: **Fair enough. I'm outta here.

**Leon: **Great.

**Leon: **...

**Leon: **Wait...you dressed as a witch?!

**Merlin: **NEED TO KNOW BASIS, LEON.

* * *

**Morgana: **Can't believe I haven't spoken to you in so long.

**Gwen: **well, you know, it's not necessary to stay distant just because the boundaries of ultimate evil are separating us.

**Gwen: **...or whatever.

**Morgana: **Quite right!

**Gwen: **so, yeah...

**Morgana: **

**Gwen: **oh, right. I forgot you were a person of so few words.

**Morgana: **Oh, no. I've mastered the art of speaking in evil now. I'm just...not feeling it today, I guess.

**Gwen: **In camelot, it's 'speaking like a twat' but 'speaking in evil' works too.

**Morgana: **Ahem. I'll ignore that.

**Gwen: **Yeah, well, next time you're on an evil break maybe we could grab lunch or something

**Morgana: **Sounds fun! Nice catching up. Text me when I'm in a bad mood and I'll light your eyebrows on fire.

**Gwen: **Ah, there it is.

* * *

**Merlin: **Hey Arthur. Talk to me, buddy. I need to know if this curse is wearing off.

**Arthur: **_Step one, he says we need to talk. Come on, he says, sit down, it's just a talk._

**Merlin: **Yeah...you're so not funny.

**Arthur: **

**Merlin: **Don't you dare! You're almost as annoyed by that as I am

**Arthur: **_That's what Bilbo Baggins hates._

**Merlin: **I AM NOT A HOBBIT

**Gwaine: **Who's not a Hobbit? What?

**Arthur: **_Now the party don't start til I walk in_

**Gwaine: **damn straight.

**Gwaine: **I suppose I can forgive you now for what happened earlier, merlin.

**Merlin: **this is worse than getting blamed for that one time I let the dragon loose and it ate all of that lady's cows.

**Gwaine: **that so did not happen

**Merlin: **can it, Gwaine. That's not the main concern right now.

**Gwaine: **and what is?

**Merlin: **I may be unemployed within twenty four hours if this thing doesn't go away. Uther's been threatening me.

**Arthur: **_So I cross my heart and I hope to die that you'll only stay with me one more night_

**Merlin: **wait...was he just changing around words in that lyric?

**Gwaine: **I'm not an expert, but I think so.

**Merlin: **Maybe that means the curse is wearing off?

**Gwaine: **ever thought of just...you know...using a counter curse?

**Merlin: **Come to think of it, that would have made a lot more sense.

**Gwaine: **Screw it. Sounds complicated. We're having a Harry Potter marathon tonight with all the knights. Join us.

**Arthur: **_Careful, Harry, he doesn't have a nose..._

**Merlin: **probably best if I don't. I've got some counter curses to study before I'm evicted from the castle of my destiny and whatnot.

**Gwaine: **'kay, then. Cheers.

**Arthur: **_Please, please don't leave me!_

* * *

**Uther: **Would you care to explain to me exactly what is going on?

**Merlin: **What exactly? Or just in general? To begin with, we live on a planet, it revolves around the sun, and you're the king of a completely supernaturally unstable kingdom on the verge of decimation and utter collapse. What's tripping you up?

**Uther: **This manner of speech with my son. Do not pretend to be a fool with me, Merlin.

**Gwaine: **Don't worry sire. he doesn't have to pretend.

**Arthur: **_And somehow now you're everybody's fool..._

**Merlin: **shut it, Beiber.

**Uther: **Well, Merlin? Can I get an explanation?

**Merlin: **Yes, of course, sire.

**Uther: **?

**Merlin: **...it's all Gwaine's fault. Lovely chatting!

**Gwaine: **YOU WILL DIE.

**Arthur: **_I need a life. _

* * *

**I keep referencing that Born Ruffians song. Anyone else know that song and love to rock out to it? **

**... **

***cricket noises***

**Well, I suppose you're all used to how crazy I can be at 11:30 at night. I guess I'll just leave it at that. Love you all for sticking with me!**

**- Kat Carlyle**


End file.
